Welcome to EOS' Resident Cynic, Kate Brown

Tue, 26 Aug 2003 22:22:25 GMT

Katrina is exhausted from working on the GH actors, oops, I mean working hard gathering tidbits for EOS at the GH Fan Event in Los Angeles. That is why I, the one EOS staffer who does not write about GH, am doing the GH spoilers this week. (GH was my first soap, starting with its first episode. I have a deep appreciation for the way GH has helped shaped the soap genre. And a pretty good working knowledge of GH history. Which is more than I can say for the crew currently in charge of GH. But puts me in the very good company with its other very loyal fans. )
Let’s see what’s upcoming in Port Chuckles this week. I sure hope there is some mob stuff. I heard a rumor that Sonny is really a mobster, not a coffee importer, and I just don’t understand why they don’t explore that more. And if Sonny is not just a coffee importer, is Jason more than just the inventory control guy? I hate when they leave these kind of threads dangling….

Stefan is indebted....to Alcazar
Alcazar has been threatening to kill Nikolas

Oh well, the writers have been threatening to kill Nikolas’ essential character for years. Oh, but Stefan/Alcazar scenes! The threats, the sharp dressing, the rising testosterone levels.

Jax and Samantha meet at the gambling tables.

Is her favorite game playing Jacks? This scenario reminds me of when V pretended to be royalty in Monte Carlo to help Jax win his fortune back. Ned and Alexis were there. All dressed up. Drinking champagne. That was back in the day when GH characters were allowed to have fun.

We learn his father is very ill.

I came to a startling conclusion during his last stay in Port Charles: the most interesting things about Jax are his family (John, Lady Jane and Jerry).

Ned's stay in the pokey won't last too long.

That surprises me. Whenever I think of “Ned” and “poke” in the same sentence I always imagine things lasting a very, very long time.

When Liz wakes up after being hit by a car, driven by a drug impaired Courtney...and she is sightless.

I misread this at first and thought Courtney was driving while sightless. No wonder she hit Liz. What is a wonder is that Liz’s health insurance has not been cancelled. Isn’t this her 800th trip to GH this year?

Alcazar saves Carly’s life… and Courtney’s butt. Carly almost drives over a cliff with the car she is trying to dispose of-luckily SuperAlky gets her out safely.

I wonder how long before the cops discover Rick Webber’s body in the car? Oh wait … no…. I am wrong…. That was last year’s car-in-crime-over-the-cliff story. Silly me.

Carly lets slip some of Sonny's history, and a seed is planted in Alky's brain...Lily....(She's alive!)

I hope these are just mind games Alky plays with Sonny. If baby doll dress wearing Lily really is alive, I am going to have to consider blowing my own car up-with me in it. Remember if Lily comes back, that opens the door for Juan’s return.

And the winner in the "who gets baby Kristina" contest is....Cameron!
It must be his lucky day, because she comes with her Mom attached.
Alexis moves in with him.

Alexis is a little disappointed to discover the only way Cameron can get “in the mood” is if she dresses up as Dobson.

Stefan is charged with Summer's murder; with her credentials restored,
Alexis gets to work on his defense.

She could save time and hire Courtney to kung fu the jury into submission.

Constance Towers (Helena) is returning! She let fans know
that she will be taping on at least two occasions, next month.

But will she be bringing Andreas with her?

Courtney is told she may never be able to have a child.

Of course she is told that. She is a female living in Port Charles.

Ned believes that Alexis has something to do with his "minor" troubles.

Will Ned, being the uber-mensch that he is, forgive her? Or will he be understandably, truly and utterly pissed at her?

Dillon...the "babysitter"? Dillon's way with teenage girls may just earn him a few bucks, and lots of troubles!

Teenage girls, earning money, lots of troubles. The spoiler says “babysitter” but it sounds like “pimp” to me.

Dillon helps Ned out with some computer problems- which leads to a startling discovery. Dillon decides to try and create some space between himself and the mob faction of PC by trying a new line of work.

Should this be tied into the above spoiler? Can we say “cyber-pimp”?

This fall, Ric throws himself into winning back Liz. Will he be able to leave his past vendetta behind? Will the truth, set him free?

In the real world, I believe the truth would be sending him to prison.

Dillon had better watch out for a woman scorned.

I think Dillon should take a little trip to Llanview. He and Antonio could do a little woman scorned mano a woman scorned mano bonding. Although wouldn’t it be fun if the woman scorned was Tracy? We know how poorly she takes being rejected by her sons.

Lucky recognizes that Lydia is suffering from depression.

And bad acting. And poor writing. And really lousy wardrobe choices.

Ric and Faith hop into bed, after Liz turns him away.

Seems soap-logical that Faith will be finding out she is pregnant about the time Liz decides she wants Ric back.

Lydia gets Stefan to spill the truth on tape.

That he was misled into thinking he would be getting a compelling story when he returned to GH?

Emily agrees to marry Zander as soon as possible.

Definite proof that Emily will be beating her cancer. So she can be stuck married to Zander while in love Nikolais. Zander deserves so much better than he is getting lately. And if he would stop by my place, I would be happy to show him how much better it could be.

Alcazar's presence looms.
Are we supposed to think that’s a bad thing?

Courtney leans on the prescription drug, vicodin

This first thing in a long time that makes sense with Courtney. After all, her father is addicted to gambling and her mother is an alcoholic.

Sonny is less than pleased by Carly's defense of Alcazar.

Hide the crystal; Sonny’s pissed.

Liz confides to Jason that she does not know how to let Emily go if she dies. Jason, a man of few words, tells her that they will just have to find a way, and the two hug. Very touching scene.

But will it be enough for Liason fans?

Dillon is not the only teen to be affected by Alcazar's plan for a fire, Georgie and others get caught up in the danger....will they become trapped?

Are geneticists aware of the Alzacar Arson gene? What is it with these brothers and flames?

Alcazar wants Carly to keep secrets from Sonny.- anything to chisel away at the S and C bond. Sonny has his number when Carly gets presents from the man with a plan.

Presents? Carly gets presents? Does Penny, who really works hard for her money, get presents? Does Letticia get presents (does she even get Reginald any more?)? Has Bobbie gotten a present since Jerry sent her that jar of licorice? No, but Carly gets presents. Life is so unfair.

Liz takes action towards divorcing Ric, much to Faith's delight.

Seeing Faith delighted is something I am looking forward to seeing.

Jason is overcome with emotion as he deals with the loss of his unborn child.

Seeing Jason overcome with emotion is something I cannot imagine seeing. Maybe they will run a caption under the scene so we know it’s happening.

Courtney unexpectedly meets up with some very unsavory men.

Courtney’s brother is a mob boss. She is engaged to his hit man. I am anxious to learn what Courtney’s definition of “unsavory” is.

And that’s that for GH. Katrina will be back next week, but in the meantime don’t miss the EOS reports on the GH event.

And thanks to General Hospital Happenings Two for these spoilers.
Kate
Katebrowneos@hotmail.com

Mon, 24 Mar 2003 00:07:31 GMT

We did not even see a whole week’s worth of episodes. Yet we learned a lot on AMC this week. We learned that Adam can throw a punch and Tad can take it. We learned that Mia doesn’t just know how to ride Jake, she can ride horses, too! We learned that Chris is a truly nasty drunk. We learned that PV has a Chinese restaurant and that Joe, who likes his food hot, has been going there for years. The scenes at the restaurant taught us that racial stereotyping is alive and well on AMC. And we learned that Carlos and Greenlee are destined for love. How do we know that? Because he said those sweet nothings every woman longs to hear, “you are a raving bitch.” Ahhh, young love.

Let’s see what’s ahead.

Erica stomps her foot, tosses her head and insists that Michael not cause any trouble between her and Chris.

After all, it’s her job to ruin her relationships. She doesn’t need outsiders to do her dirty work for her.

Michael receives dead flowers. Erica denies sending them.

Could they be some not so subtle hint from one of his enemies? Chris perhaps? Or does PV just have a truly awful florist?

Michael continues to use Swamp Girl, a.k.a Kendall.

I cannot wait for Kendall to unleash her wrath on him when she discovers the truth. Hell hath no fury like a swamp girl scorned. And about Michael. Doesn’t it strike anyone as odd that a man that rich would have a room, not a suite, at the Valley Inn? And one of the smaller rooms, too. Kendall’s room was larger. Heck I think Maria’s room at the Pine Cone is bigger.

J’accuse! Chris accuses Jack and Erica of being more than friends. Jackson accuses Erica of being in love with him.

I wonder what Erica’s response will be to Chris, ”Why, yes, we are more than friends, we are best friends, silly!” And her reply to Jackson,“You and I are just friends. Best friends, silly!” Erica will probably admit that she does love Jack. Although how rewarding will that admission be for Jack since he practically had to bludgeon it out of her?

Speaking of bludgeoning

Reggie rescues Joni from a mugger.

Just when I was starting to like Reggie, he goes and does this. Will this save lead to love? How long before Reggie call Joni a “raving bitch” ? Not long I imagine.

Love just does not run smoothly in PV:

Word of Adam’s and Liza’s divorce spreads like wildfire through PV.

Frankly, I don’t know how the citizens of PV can get out of bed in the morning. Last week there was the press release about Erica ending her engagement to Chris. And now this ? How much can people take?

Liza and Tad decide to stay just friends.

Not just friends. They are best friends silly.

Even the newest lovebirds have problems:

During the O-chem midterm, Maggie lets Henry copy her answers. Later, Henry rebuffs Maggie’s attempted kiss.

Wait a darn minute, here, Henry. Maggie is good enough to cheat off of, but not good enough to kiss? Or is this some male pride thing? Whatever. This incident is not going to endear Maggie to Alma, that’s for sure.

And from the “is it over before it begins?” department:

Carlos overhears Greens saying she has no feelings for him.

That raving bitch. Of course, this misunderstanding is further proof they are meant for each other.

After encountering Carlos at the gym, Liza encourages Greens to go after him

Liza realizes what a good man Carlos is when he tells her, “I heard about the divorce. It’s all the guys are talking about in the shower room. We agree it is the best thing you can do. For Colby’s sake.” During her conversation with Greens, Liza reminisces about when she used to be PV’s “raving bitch.”

Greenlee is set for one heck of a week:

Mary shows up and her behavior puzzles Greenlee.

Why? Because Mary is not acting like a raving bitch? I just had a weird thought. What if Mary is sending the emails, in some warped attempt to be a good mom? Nah, that would take too much effort. It will be grand to see Mary again. Although it would be so much better if Roger (sigh) was with her.

Other stuff happens,too:

Anna and David continue to agonize over Leora. Janelle tries to get David to rethink his position.

Didn’t we see this scene a couple of weeks ago? Oh well, I am not going to quibble about seeing good actors. I wish we would see more of Janelle. Wonder what she is going to think of Erica as Reggie’s step foster mom?

Maddie gets sick. Maureen and Edmund tend to their daughter. Mia and Aiden stand by.

This was bound to happen. Don’t think it will change anything between Maureen and Edmund, though. That’s not likely to happen til May sweeps.

Those AMC actors:

As noted above, Anna Stuart returns as Greenlee’s mom Mary Smythe.

And that’s a good thing. Mary is not a good mother but she is an interesting character.

And the actress who plays Joni, Amanda Seyfried, is now on contract.

Trying to be optimistic here, maybe her scenes with Reggie will be a joy to behold. Look, I said, “trying”, not “believing.”

And here is to another week in the Valley!

Kate
Katebrowneos@hotmail.com

Mon, 17 Feb 2003 02:42:34 GMT

My friend Meredith suggested, since I have been watching AMC from the very beginning, that writing about it must be almost like writing about my family. And she is right. I have deep affection for AMC and because of that I often find it difficult to criticize. I cut it slack that I would never cut another soap or movie or primetime show, simply because it has been part of my life for such a long time. But just like family, there comes a time when I am forced to point out that something is irritating the hell out of me!

And what could that be? The sloppy disappearances of Tim and Frank. True, they were not my recent favorite characters, but the way their departures were handled highlighted some very troubling aspects of the current AMC. What are those? TPTB cheaply cashing in on AMC history without honoring it. And the increasing tendency to be just plain sloppy in execution and writing.

Tim was a beloved character for many years. We saw him suffer through Natalie’s problems, gain a wonderful stepfather and stand by his sister. We also saw him struggle with the realization that his stepfather had fallen in love with his nutcase aunt. And then Harold died. Poor Tim. When the Dillons left town, they were missed.

Tim comes back to save his cousin’s life. However one felt about the actor, it was good to have Tim back. TPTB did not have to do very much to have longtime viewers care about Tim, we already did. And then Tim started dropping hints about how things were going badly back home. That Janet was causing trouble again. This gave viewers hope that the Dillon clan might be returning to PV. And then there were the rumors that a search for a new Amanda was on the way. You don’t have to be a cynic to know that ABC only “leaks” what it wants to leak. TPTB reeled viewers into Tim’s story with very little expended effort. They depended on our knowledge of AMC history and our loyalty to characters to make Tim work. For whatever reason, it was decided not to pursue the Dillon angle. Fine. Soap fans know we do not always get what we want. But how difficult would it have been to write a goodbye scene for Tim?

Hayley: Just spoke with Uncle Porkchop and, boy, Tim, things there are really rough.
Tim: Yeah, they suck. I am thinking that I cannot leave Amanda to deal with it by herself. And my dad needs me, too. I need to get home.
Hayley: I know. You are a good man Tim. I will never forget what you did for Enzo. I will miss you. We love you Tim.
Tim: I love you, too, Hayley.

Tim and Hayley hug. Fade to commercial.

See? That wasn’t hard at all. And it didn’t even call for one of those “cutting edge” (snicker, snicker) double screen shots.

And then there is Frank. We were inclined to like Frank and to see him do well in Pine Valley. Why? Because we loved his parents, Jesse and Angie. And there was the added bonus of having him visited by Jesse spirit. And ABC let “leak” that Frank would be visited by his father’s spirit again and again. Well, we never saw Jesse after that first time. TPTB tied Frank to Mia through backstory, but they never seemed really committed to doing anything with that. Like a Frank/Mia/Jake triangle. And then the Simone/Tarantino/brother- in- a- coma/Mean Daddy mess. And then Frank was gone. Poof!

Again I ask, how difficult would it have been to write one goodbye scene?

Setting: Jake’s office. Joe and Jake are sitting around, shooting the breeze.

Joe: You know Jake, I could never get that desk to shine like that when it was mine. How did you get that high gloss?

Jake(obviously uncomfortable): Well,umm, Dad, one of the residents helped me with it. Frank Frank come in Frank!

Frank enters the office.

Frank: Glad I caught you two together. I have something I need to tell you.

Jake: What is it Frank?

Frank: Well, my mom called. Turns out there is an opening at her hospital and I am considering taking it.

Jake: Why Frank? Arent you happy here?

Frank: Oh no, PVH is a great hospital. It’s just since coming here I have had to face a lot of things I have been running away from. I realized I have been running away from some things with my mother, too. Maybe working together we can straighten some things out.

Jake: I understand completely, Frank. No problem.

Joe: Please give Angie our love.

All three shake hands. Fade to commercial.

Not only would these two scenes have tied up some loose ends, but they shown respect for the viewers. The viewers they counted on to make these stories work in the first place.

They botched this badly. And the next time they try to rely on my love of AMC history to be interested in a new character, it won’t be given quite so quickly or unconditionally.

I would love to hear how you think things are going in the Valley these days!

Kate
Katebrowneos@hotmail.com

Tue, 14 Jan 2003 00:06:31 GMT

Come and knock on our door
We've been waiting for you
Where the kisses are hers and hers and his
Three's Company, too!

The Pepper Pot Players are happy to announce their winter production will be Three’s Company starring:

Maureen Gorman ………………… Janet
Aidan Devane ……………………..Jack
Kendall Hart……………………….Chrissy
Edmund Grey……………………….Mr. Roper
Brooke English……………………...Mrs. Roper
Larry…………………………………TBD

The understudy for Ms. Gorman will be Maria Santos-Grey

I interviewed the Pepper Pot’s stage manager/director Axel Green and he was not a happy camper:

“ To be honest, this is the worst cast I have worked with. None of them have checked their egos at the stage door, I can tell you that! First of all, Ms. Gorman Santos whatever-the heck her name is just won’t take direction if I dare call her “Maria” on a day when she is feeling more “Maureen.”
And then Aidan, whoa! I mean his is a looker, but if only he could speak without sounding like he has a mouth full of bangers and mash. Without enunciation the subtext of the dialogue is lost, I tell you, lost.
And then Miss Hart. A lovely girl and goodness knows she would have chemistry with a door knob, but she insists that somehow Ms Erica Kane is behind Janet having more lines than Chrissy! As if the Pepper Pot could be so lucky as to have a wonderful woman like Ms. Kane take an interest in little old us.
OMG and don’t get me started on Mr. Grey. At first it seemed like perfect casting. I mean he has no sense of humor and neither does Mr. Roper. But he thinks because he has had a Pulitzer, he should get to re-write so that Janet and Jack never are on stage at the same time. I mean Ok, so he had sex with Roxanne Pulitzer, does than make him a writer? I think not.
And then there is Miss English. Well, at least I got her to stop crying. Now if only I could her to stop saying “I’m sorry” every time something goes wrong. At first it was endearing but now it’s getting rather old, you know what I mean?
And I am having such trouble casting Larry. At first Roger Smythe agreed. I thought his droll delivery would be the perfect counterpoint to the play’s buffoonery. Then he died. It happens. Then I found another perfect Larry. Leo DuPres. Then he died. I am beginning to feel as if taking the role of Larry is tantamount to being the drummer for Spinal Tap.
I am not complaining, mind you. I am a professional. It is my job to pull this cast together and I will. But first I need to go catch a meeting.”

I have decided to start the New Year by saying what I like about AMC right now:

I am surprised to find myself enjoying the Kendall/Aidan/Maria troika. It isn’t perfect story telling but it has some positive things. Aidan has the most chemistry with these two, so it works for his character. Maria needs another friend besides Aidan. Even if it is Kendall “you are such a girl” Hart. And it would be good for Kendall to learn that women do make great friends. That not all women are the enemy.

And women making great friends is exactly what I like about Fusion. Sure this storyline also has major holes in it. For example, why did the super-controlling parents of Joni and Laurie let them pull an all nighter with strangers? And why do I think that whole “special” episode was just to show us that Petey can dance like his father? AMC does many things a lot better than other soaps, but stand-alone episodes are not their forte.

That said, it is wonderful to see women on a soap doing something besides competing with each other over some man. I can only applaud that.

As I applaud the way TPTB are having Greenlee mourn Leo. That she has not recovered overnight. That grieving people are not always noble. Sometimes they are really selfish. And angry. And bitchy. And sad. Rebecca Budig is doing a great job in portraying the roller coaster Greens is riding.

We have Fusion adding a whole new dynamic to AMC. And over on Front Street we have the clinic adding another dimension.

It seems like this not going to be just a pit stop for David. Janelle Anderson is a pretty strong character in her own right. It seems Reggie will be sticking around. I am looking forward to seeing exactly how well Janelle and Jackson know each other. The Front Street neighborhood once played an important part on AMC. I hope that it will again.

AMC also, finally, has a competent therapist. I am loving Lysistrata. Her first scenes with Greenlee were so well done. She is able to empathize with her clients’ pain without making herself part of it. Now if she could only get Zeke McMillan on her couch……

I even find myself liking Jamie. Micah Alberti has relaxed into the role nicely. This Jamie is a keeper and I hope TPTB see it that way, too.

(And no, I am not discussing nunuJR. I am talking about what I like about AMC right now.)

I like that the “William” story has ended. I was afraid it was going to turn into “Nightmare Adoption on Elm Street.” Maybe the writer who had the bad adoption experience and hated therapists has left the building?

All My Schmattes

George Clooney was in my dreams the other night. It turned out his aunt, Rosemary, had not died after all. George asked me to help him pick out clothes for her next concert tour. And why did he ask me? Because he really enjoys “All My Schmattes.” Hey, it was my dream remember? We had a good time, except for a slight disagreement about a hat. Boy, can that George throw a hissy fit when he doesn’t get his way.
I have a suggestion for the costumers at AMC: please watch the Fusion episode again. See how beautifully elegant Liza looks in that all white outfit? Take notes so she can look that great every day. And see how ridiculous Maggie looks in that hat? Take notes so she never looks that way again.

The AMC list

1. I understand they want Joni to be the counterpoint to JR and Laurie’s behavior. It would be more effective and she would be a bit more sympathetic, if she was not such a judgmental counterpoint.
2. It was great seeing Derrick. It was not great seeing Derrick be incompetent. I would think if one was searching the bus station for a male fugitive, the first person you would notice would be the only male inside the bus station wearing a hat and sunglasses.
3. Wouldn’t it have made more sense for Robin to fly over to PV so Anna would not have to fly alone to Zurich? After all, it is questionable whether a six month pregnant woman should be flying at all, let alone flying by herself?
4. Do the writers really think a dinner in a cold, smelly stable is romantic? Or maybe I just am not a romantic. Or maybe the writers have no idea how smelly a stable is.
5. And I have to address Liza’s comment to Adam, “Must you be such a cynic?” Why, yes, Liza I must!!!

I hope everyone reading this had wonderful holidays.
I am curious what you think about the clinic storyline. I look forward to hearing from you.

Kate
Katebrowneos@hotmail.com

Sat, 21 Dec 2002 01:37:40 GMT

It’s the time of year for being behind. Behind in shopping. Behind in wrapping. Behind in baking. Behind in cleaning. Well, I am not behind in any of those (well, except maybe cleaning), but I am embarrassed at how behind I am in writing this column.

I have written many columns in my head, but they never made it here because I was busy shopping, wrapping, baking, cleaning. I certainly enjoyed the ones in my head, I hope you enjoy the one here.

It is the season of indulgence. I am hoping you indulge me while I just let my AMC thoughts flow:

Anyone remember the Venetian Ball? What a non-festive event. And that was before Jamie learned about in vino veritas and Mia “accidentally” fell out the window. Why was the ball crammed into the Chandler’s living room, when they have a perfectly good ballroom upstairs? Or, has that been turned into a playroom “for Colby’s sake”? How come all the costumes matched the décor? Did Liza, that little control freak, enclose color samples with the invitations? Why did Stuart have an opening at his gallery during the Ball? Why wasn’t Marion there with him? Why has the Chandler attic become the most popular place in town, second only to the boathouse? I think I must have gotten up to get a soda or something, though, because I missed the Jake/Mia romance leading up to their engagement. And finally, whatever they are paying Winifred, it just is not enough.

Health care in PV continues to amaze me. If you are waiting to visit a loved one at my local hospital, you are lucky to find a clean chair to sit on. While waiting to see Mia, Liza had bangs cut. All I could figure was that Opal opened a branch of the Glamorama at PVH.

For once I don’t mind Jake’s vengeful side. At least someone realizes that Mia was the victim, not Liza. Did Tad join the priesthood while I wasn’t looking? And, no, I don’t mean because he is celibate. When did it become his job to go around absolving people of their sins. First it was Brooke, now Liza. And here I thought he couldn’t be more boring than when he was with Dixie.

And by the way, what happened to Tad’s proposal to Brooke that they all be one happy family?

Jack told Anna he would like to have one happy family with her. Anna replied that his family fantasy just did not sound dysfunctional enough for her.

And is it too much to ask TPTB to have just one character say something to Jack about losing the race for Governor?

And speaking of Jackson, does it seem odd to anyone else that we have not had one scene between Jack and Brooke since her life fell apart? Was I getting another soda when that friendship ended? Yes, I know drink way too much caffeine.

But I need something to keep me awake during those Frank/Simone scenes. For a moment there, I almost liked Simone. It was when she said to Frank, “You are boring as a doctor.” I thought, she does have a brain. Then I replayed the tape only to discover she said, “you were born to be a doctor.” Now if she combined the two and said, “Frank you were born boring.” she would be on to something.

I could get into how her anger at Frank over Anthony’s overdose makes no sense, but then I would be spending more creative time on Simone than the writers do.

Now Frank knows he is a father. I think that revelation was a bit, ummm, underwhelming.

I do hope that this story is not going in the direction of yet another adoption gone bad. I wish the AMC writer who has adoption issues would work them out on a therapist’s couch instead of inflicting them on the characters and the viewers.

A therapist other than Zeke “shape shifter” McMillan. How is Maria supposed to recover her memory when every time she goes to visit her therapist, he looks completely different?

Maria’s amnesia may work in Edmund’s favor. When she discovers that Eddie is conspiring with David, he can say to her,” Honey, I told you all about that, don’t you remember?” And Maria will say, “ No I don’t, but then I cannot even seem to remember what my therapist looks like.”

Does it seem odd to anyone that Edmund has not consulted his sister-in-law Doctor Alex Devane Marick about Maria’s condition?

Does it seem even odder that David would agree to Edmund’s terms without any legal documents being signed?

And was there an odd ,yet oddly arousing, scene in recent memory than when David whipped out a gun and said, ”Freeze!”? I was so disappointed that he did not tell Aiden and Maria to “assume the position.”

Why wasn’t the person who shot Aiden a better shot? That would spare us having to learn more about his past. Aiden should be the character that would have been played by Gig Young in the '’60s/70s. The bachelor who is everyone’s friend and lightly tap dances through scenes, helping to move plots along. But the thought of Aiden as someone haunted by a violent past … excuse me, I need to go get some more caffeine.

There is not enough caffeine in the world to keep me awake during the painful transformation of Trey into a Leo wannabe. First the messy hair. Then the leather jacket. What’s next, lifts in his shoes?

Both Aiden and Trey do their best work with Kendall. Why then are their stories drifting away from her?

And then there is Kendall’s mom’s new apartment. Erica is so proud of Chris for designing it. What happens when she finds out all he did was take a tape measure over to Greenlee’s and copy her floorplan? The décor does reflect Erica. It is about as warm as a hotel lobby. And since she often dresses like she is working a hotel lobby, it suits her perfectly.

And since I am not a total curmudgeon, here are things I like about AMC:

I loved the recent scenes with Hayley and Adam. I teared up. Not simply because it was a farewell scene, but because it reminded me how, over the past several years, TPTB have poorly served Hayley’s character. If only they could have left her out of the Proteus story altogether.

I even enjoyed the recent scenes with Adam and Liza. There was frisson between them for the first time in years. The rotating marriage counselors were snappily written. I hope we have not seen the last of Lysistrata.

The scenes between David and Greenlee are always a treat. I hope this relationship is pursued. As a friendship. It is refreshing to see mourning portrayed as an ongoing process, instead of a very finite one.

Friendships have always been a key component of AMC. Her burgeoning friendship with Kendall and Greens might even make Simone bearable. I do think that Greens should hire her mother to run the art department. Imagine Mary actually working for a living?

And TPTB continue to keep Palmer in the game. That makes me happy.

And Ellen Bethea as Janelle makes me happy,too. I have enjoyed her for years on OLTL. I hope AMC develops her character further. I could see her with Tad. Or Derrick. Or Bianca.

And Sydney Penney is back. How great to see Julia again. (Even if she did stop by Llanview first to borrow some of Lindsey’s frosted lipgloss.)

Plus, we have new writers. And a new executive producer. Could be a very Happy New Year ahead in PV!

I want to wish all our EOS supporters a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We could not do this without you.

I am leaving tomorrow to spend the holidays in England. My goal, besides having a great time, is to see if you really can buy spotted dick in a can.

Cheers!

Kate
Katebrowneos@hotmail.com

Mon, 04 Nov 2002 23:28:38 GMT

“I don’t know if sleeping with a married man qualifies as “living large.”
Brooke to Adam

Now that’s the Brooke English I remember and like. No, not the adulteress, but the quick-witted, passionate Brooke. It has been years since she has paid us a visit. I missed her.

Adam and Brooke shimmer in their scenes together. It is good to see that evil twinkle back in Adam’s eye. And it is wonderful to see Brooke sparkle again. She wasn’t sparkling when she was with Edmund this time, even before the Maureen saga began. It is hard to sparkle when deep down in your heart you know you are second choice.

It has been such a long time there was true adult conversation on AMC that I had to replay my tape so I could enjoy it again. I think it took someone with as much life experience as Adam to sum up why Brooke behaved the way she did about Maria. “All the mistakes you made brought you to that moment and it was safe to breathe again.” Brooke believed Edmund was her heart’s reward. How could she give that up easily, if at all? I think as humans we like to believe that we will always do the right thing, the honorable thing, make the moral choice. But sometimes we just can’t. Brooke is a good example. How could she give up what she thought she would never be blessed enough to have? What separates her from Adam-think though is that Brooke is horrified by what she did.

My favorite Adam-think? “Ditch the morals, find yourself some comfortable sleepwear and have a happier life.” I don’t know who is writing this dialogue (perhaps Ms. Nixon herself?), but I hope the new headwriter keeps him/her around.

Adam and Brooke’s witty repartee was a nice balance to all the sadness surrounding Leo’s death. The actual death scene did not move me to tears, what with the annoying distraction of Trey being there. But David and Greenlee in the aftermath reduced me to tears more than once. What helped those scenes work were the smaller scenes between David and Greens over the past year. Their emotional intimacy did not come out of left field.

A lot has been made about all the movie allusions during the Proteus story. One of my favorites was the nod to A Star is Born, when Greenlee corrected the EMS technician about her name: “I am Mrs. DuPres. Mrs. Leo Dupres.” That is about when my tears started to flow.

It showed astonishing maturity on Greens’ part to acknowledge the service was for the people that Leo loved by asking Bianca to sing. Karla Bonoff’s “Goodbye My Friend” always makes me cry.

And then the scene at the cabin made me cry. Geesh.

Thank goodness Donald Steele showed up in PV so I could give my laugh lines a workout.

Plus his appearance put an end to another Trey trying to be trés sincere scene. This character is not working for me. At all. He is an example of overkill on all counts. When he first arrived, he was totally evil. The way he terrorized Mia about her child’s adoption was cruel. Plus his assorted other misdeeds. Then suddenly this was all to be erased because he had a bad childhood. Again overkill because Trey did not just have a bad childhood, he had the worst childhood in the history of mankind. Because it is all so over the top, none of it is believable. Leo’s unfortunate childhood was believable. Tad’s certainly is. Hayley’s is. Trey’s is not.

Although I did feel bad for Trey when I realized he did not just suffer from vertigo but from that very rare form of vertigo, vertigo americus specificus. He only suffers from vertigo when in the United States, since he had no problems on that balcony in Paris. And only in specific situations because it did not keep him from climbing the ladder to Bianca’s room to commit theft and arson.

There is so much going on in Pine Valley these days. I like Jamie defending his mother. I like him being angry with Edmund. Of course he does not understand the complexities of the situation, but he is sensitive enough to get that his mother has been hurt, too. And that’s rather endearing.

Now if I only could figure out who that kid was he was talking to on Halloween. Laughing. Of course, it’s his brother the newNuJR.

Simone also has a brother. Who knew? Who cares? Maybe I would have been interested had this fact come to light a little earlier in the Proteus story, when we were first getting to know her. And first getting to know her father, who is not just an angry SOB but also an incompetent shrink.

A competent therapist would have locked the door during the hypnotherapy session. Failing that, he would have thrown Edmund out the minute he barged in. Although the scene was saved for me when Maureen said to Eddie, “I am Maureen, not Maria.” Which of course she had to remind him of again when he was kissing her breasts in the stable. If only she had thought to wear a name tag.

And one final thought, why is Chris concerned that Erica will think his relatives are tacky? Didn’t he notice she was wearing an imitation tiger-print toilet lid cover as a dress?

If anyone likes Trey and would care to give me a reason why I should, too, I would be happy to hear it.

Kate
Katebrowneos@hotmail.com

Sun, 06 Oct 2002 22:21:14 GMT

Sorry for this column’s extended absence. As I had feared, doing the spoilers (with commentary!) and a spoiler-free column did make my head explode. Fortunately the evil David Hayward is on my speed dial. He prescribed a few drops of X-17 after doing the spoilers and before writing this column. He promised that would make the spoilers just slip my mind. What a guy, what a god. Not only does he save lives, but he saves writing careers, too. Let’s hope it works.

I thought I had run out of reasons to want to move to Pine Valley, but this week gave me another one. Where I live, I am lucky if my waitress remembers the order between taking it and giving it to the kitchen. In Pine Valley, the waitress at BJs (oh how tempting to call her the BJ waitress) remembered Maria’s favorite song from 5 years ago! And not only that, Maria used to listen to it at Hal’s , not BJs. No room for slackers in the Pine Valley workforce! I am packing my bags.

A new game. How about if everyone gets to eat some chocolate each time Greens and Leo pack (and then unpack) for their move (non-move) to Paris? Parisian chocolate of course. Revlon certainly is a much more flexible employer than I ever imagined it to be.

And the FBI is, too. How has Chris been able to keep his job all these years? First, we had his totally unprofessional handling of Kendall while she was trying to provide information about the arson. Even though he had asked her to think about who might have framed her. I was disappointed Jackson did not toss him from the room. Then Chris does not call the police when Erica wallops Trey, sending him to the hospital. If Kendall had done that, and given the same excuses Erica had, Chris would have been looking for an attempted murder charge. Then he finishes the week by asking Vanessa’s guard out for coffee. Leaving the drug lord/murderer/sociopath unguarded.
That Chris, what a professional!

Of course, he is not the only lax law enforcement person. Jackson said he secured Anna’s office. Yet, when Leo opened the door, it was unlocked. I don’t know, maybe secured means something different in Pine Valley.

As does the phrase, “common criminal.” I loved it when Liza said to Anna,”So what, now you are going to treat me like a common criminal?’ In most locales people who embezzle and work to obstruct justice are common criminals. But again, I guess it means something different in Pine Valley.

Hang out in Pine Valley long enough and you, and its residents, learn a whole lot of things.

David learned he is not God. He still thinks he is a god, just not God.

Joe learned it’s possible to be of a certain age and still look fashionable. I loved his new spiky haircut. Please PTB, resolve the Ruth issue and give this man a story.

I learned that I like the Santos family much better when I do not see them. In memory I am able to think of them as a loving, caring group of people. Instead of the obnoxious, pushy, self-righteous bunch they are when they show up. Could Mateo have been ruder to Brooke? Well, probably yes, but thank goodness we did not have to see it. What does he want Edmund to do, whack Maria over the head and drag her back to Wildwind? I shudder to think what would have happened had Mateo overheard Hayley telling Brooke not to give up on Edmund.

Zeke MacMillan learned that Erica Kane suffers from severe sex kittenitis. Unfortunately, until someone develops emotional growth hormones, there is no cure.

We learned that Trey and Richard Fields have the same flat affect voice. What we have yet to learn is how Richard Fields was able to parlay that into a successful acting career.

Aiden learned something very valuable in his military training- how to be able to jump and walk immediately after having an erotic dream. A skill few men can manage.

Brooke hopefully will lean that she can do better than Edmund. I know she made a mistake. But is that any reason for Edmund to act as if she has no feelings at all? To act as if they are not, in actuality, married? The sad thing is, even if Brooke had come right back from Nevada screaming “Maria is alive” at the top of her voice, Edmund would be treating her the same way. As if she should just step aside like a good girl, all for the greater good of Edmund’s wants, desires and needs.

We learned when Eric Kane’s birthday is, and we better not forget it! Just because this date has never ever mattered to Erica before is no excuse!

We learned that timelines and history mean nothing in PV! My head hurts (and remember it just recovered from exploding) trying to figure out the Vanessa pregnancy timelines. Vanessa once said that David’s father loved being married to a former starlet. Yet, she told Chris she did things for/with Richard Fields, so she could get ahead in Hollywood. Trey and Kendall are just about the same age, years younger than David. And Leo is younger still. Just makes my head pound.

Two things I would like to learn: 1) why is Adam backburnered? 2) Who is Leo’s father?

And we learned once again, that all major storylines will lead back somehow to Erica Kane. I will not be surprised when Erica somehow figures into Maria regaining her memory and reconciling with Eddie.

All My Schmattes

It is an odd day in the Valley, when Opal is better dressed than Erica. I am referring to the penthouse scene. Opal’s black/white/red outfit won hands down compared to Erica’s D&G dress. Erica needs to learn two very valuable lessons:1) just because an outfit is couture does not mean it is attractive and 2) just because a dress fits (sort of) does not mean you should wear it. If Erica is going to be friends with designers, why not Valentino and Donna Karan?

There is a lot to not like about Vanessa, but I love her approach to choosing earrings,” The rubies? No. Pearls are better at saying good mother.” What a woman, what a con!

For those of us who also watch OLTL, did you notice the mother/daughter dressing going on with Myrtle and Rae this week? The dress Myrtle was wearing while talking with Opal was made from the same material as the suit Rae was wearing while trapped in the w(h)ine cellar with Hank. How rude of them to go shopping together off screen.

Did anyone watch the old series Murder One? I ask because AMC keeps playing music that is extremely derivative of the Murder theme song. Just wondering if any one else had noticed that.

Here’s to another week in the Valley

Kate
Katebrowneos@hotmail.com

Wed, 11 Sep 2002 03:12:47 GMT

Things are confusing in the Valley. Maureen is not who she thought she was, she is Maria. David is not who Anna thought he was, he is not just adorably wicked, he is cruel. Trey may not be who Kendall thought he was, he may be an arsonist. JR certainly is more than Kendall thought he was, he is not just a high school student, he is a damn fine kisser. And Brooke is not who she, or anyone else it seems, thought she was.

Brooke screwed up. No doubt about that. But did she have help. Maria (the character formerly known as Maureen) threatened to call the police if Brooke did not leave her alone. Maria then got a friend to pretend to be Maureen Gorman to throw Brooke further off the scent. Tad even got a picture of Maureen Gorman to prove she was not Maria. It certainly is not as if Brooke had found Maria, and Maria had said, “Oh good, you know who I am. I have been cooling my jets here in Nevada hoping someone would stop by and help me. Please take me home.”

Sure, Brooke should have said something to Edmund. And now she is paying the price for keeping quiet. But I wish everyone would stop acting like Brooke locked Maria in a closet to stop Maria from getting to PV.

And Maria had never even heard of Pine Valley before Brooke and Tad showed up.

I am not saying that Edmund does not have the right to be angry and disappointed in Brooke. Of course he does. And the Santoses have the same right.

And I figure they have that right until about next Thursday.

Then they will have to start facing reality. The reality that Brooke messed up. Big time. But anything they do is not going to punish her more than she is punishing herself. Brooke is going to be wearing that horsehair shirt for quite a long time. And that most of their anger should be directed at David.

I have been wondering why everyone’s anger is greater towards Brooke than towards David. I think it is because people expect the worst from David; they expect the best from Brooke.

They have not noticed that Brooke has been unraveling for years. Did it seem rational to shoot Jim in the back? And then her dissembling during Laura’s health problems. Not to mention her bizarre behavior during the wedding ceremony. Brooke is one of those people who keeps telling herself (and her Aunt Phoebe) that she has a great life because looking at how dark it is inside her is just too frightening. The woman has been on the verge for years.

And Julia Barr has done an excellent job in portraying a woman being eaten alive by her demons and consumed by guilt.

That said, I don’t really care who winds up Mrs. Edmund Grey. I like Edmund with Brooke. And I liked him with Maria. As long the story remains interesting and true to the characters, I am there.

And it is hard not to feel for Maria, too. Thrown back into a life she does not remember and is not sure she wants. A life with total strangers having expectations she cannot possibly meet. And, boy, do they have expectations.

Edmund expects her to love him again with the same intensity as before. And I don’t think Mama Santos is going to make Maria’s life easy. Her attitude towards Aiden made that clear. You would think there would be just a little bit of gratitude to someone who has been a friend to her very lost daughter. But then the Santos clan has always been very insular, either you agree with their view or you don’t exist to them. Hector may be dead but his influence lingers.

(Readers have asked what I think of the current Mateo. I think of him as Substi-Teo. Why? Because he reminds me of a mediocre substitute teacher, one who steps for the teacher but adds nothing of his own. Which I suspect is exactly what TPTB wanted from this actor.)

Anna’s relationship with David is going to linger for a long time. A whole lifetime now that there is a child on the way. I did not believe for a moment that Anna would have an abortion. Not given all the years she lost with Robin. And now she has lost the future she thought she had with David. That is the saddest thing about ending a relationship; it’s all those future memories you are never going to make together. Anna now doubts that she ever knew David at all and that is making her feel quite the idiot. And while many divorced wives would like to throw their husbands in jail, I don’t think Anna is going to derive any pleasure in doing so. Finola Hughes played all those emotions so well.

AMC is really lucky to have three strong female characters in Anna, Brooke and Maria. And the three good actresses who portray them.

I am not sure whether or not Kendall is going turn out to be a strong female character. This Kendall still feels like she is in the development stage.
At least we have been spared her sparring with Erica for weeks now! It will be interesting to see how she deals with her anger when she figures out Trey set her up. And speaking of interesting, there is that kiss. No, not the one with her half brother. The one with the underage JR. Wouldn’t Donald Steele have a field day covering her arrest for statutory rape?

I admit up front that if someone Trey’s age was kissing a high school girl, the yuck factor for me would be much higher. The yuck factor is there for me all right, but is mitigated by the fact that this is the first time nuJR has been interesting to me at all. He actually seemed like a person in those scenes with Kendall as opposed to someone forced to read cue cards. As I said last week, her energy does seem to spark something in her fellow actors.

OK. I have been having a lovefest with AMC so far. That stops now! What is up with Leo and Greenlee? I do not think I have ever seen a newly married soap couple become tiresome so quickly. Having the Proteus story go on and on and on is not doing them any favors. And having Leo walk away from David with such ease does not ring true to me. Then add Trey and Simone to the mix and it’s no wonder that Greens and Leo leave town every chance they get.

All My Schmattes

Did you really think I could not mention that horrific striped number Liza was wearing? There is a reason people on TV don’t wear stripes. Because they vibrate on camera. Each time I looked at Liza I felt like Gregory Peck in Spellbound. I guess since Liza won’t be going to prison for her crimes, she will be wearing her prison stripes around the mansion.

Quibbles and Bits

1. Is the Enchantment/Revlon war over? Who won? Certainly not the viewers.
2. Now Chris thinks Vanessa should be in custody? Not when she tried to kill Greenlee or Maggie and not because she killed Frankie, but because he believes Proteus was the one behind the torching of Erica’s house. Guess messing with Erica is a major crime as opposed to what one does to lesser PV citizens.
3. And this week’s winner of the “I didn’t miss you when you were gone, why did you come back?’ award goes to Simone. Why is she still on the show?

Very few quibbles because I am really enjoying AMC these days. Are you? Let me know at katebrowneos@hotmail.com

The soaps will be pre-empted on September 11th. I feel inadequate to comment on that day except that I imagine it meaning something different to each of us. And I hope you each get the chance to experience the day the way that suits you best and that brings you the most peace.

Kate

Sun, 01 Sep 2002 19:47:44 GMT

The mother and child reunion is only a motion away
Paul Simon

My goodness those mother and child reunions were happening all over Pine Valley this week. Maria and Maddie. Nessa and Trey. Brooke and Jamie.

Brooke and Jamie? Yes, Brooke and Jamie. This is third Jamie that Brooke, and we, have had in the past year. This one looks almost old enough to have fathered the Jamie we started out with in January. The last time we saw Jamie he was mute and having trouble accepting Brooke’s engagement to Edmund. Then he disappears at camp for months and reappears recast just before the wedding. To begin with, the only camp it makes sense for this Jamie to be at is boot camp. And couldn’t Jamie have shown up at least a day earlier for the engagement party? Then he and Brooke could have had a little conversation about his accepting the marriage. I would have appreciated anything that showed some connection between Brooke and this version of her son. As it was, I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t a stranger at the wedding, it was Jamie.

And I am still reminding myself about NuJR and NuTim. NuJR has yet to seem like he is related to Adam and Dixie. And NuTim looks like he wandered in from the road company of Godspell. (I cannot help it, I keep expecting him to burst into Day By Day at any moment.) When the boathouse gang gets together I find myself saying, “OK that’s Tim, that’s JR and that’s not Frankie, that’s Maggie.” At least Bianca is still Bianca, sort of. I wish they would bring Philomena back so I would have two touchstones in that crowd.

End of diatribe; back to mother and child reunions.

Nessa and Trey’s reunion was not quite as touching as Maddie and Maria’s. Maybe Nessa should head over to Llanview for lunch with Viki. They could trade stories about the difficulties encountered when an alternate personality gives birth. TreyBen (never to be confused with trés bien) is now part of this rather unholy family. It’s just not working for me. Glasses on or glasses off, Trey just does not seem to fit.

(His best scenes have been with Kendall. She has enough energy, positive and negative, to fill that entire loft. That almost kiss just about guarantees that they have the same father. Another thing she has in common with Erica, almost hitting the sheets with her half brother. Although I cannot picture them chuckling over that coincidence any time soon, can you?)

Maria and Maddie’s reunion was sweet but felonious. Maddie’s excitement at seeing her Angel Mommy was palpable. Maria kidnapping Maddie was illogical. Taking a child she does not remember to wander the streets of town she does not know, in the middle of the night, makes me think that amnesia is not the only thing wrong with Maria’s brain. Though this action gives Eddie more reason to be angry with Brooke and Aiden a chance to play hero once again.

And there were some other kinds of mother and child reunions, too.

Isabella’s talking to Maria’s spirit had me in tears. And would have even if Maria had not been crouching behind the sarcophagus. Isabella did not sound very convincing when she said Brooke was a good person. Bet she will be even less convinced of that when she discovers Brooke knew Maria was alive. Isabella and Brooke is one confrontation I am looking forward to. After all how would Brooke feel if someone thought little Laura was alive and withheld that from Brooke?

Anna did not really have a reunion with her new child, just a growing awareness of what being pregnant with David’s child means. Rather than picturing family picnics under the willow tree, she is probably picturing family visits to prison the first Saturday of each month. Husband in handcuffs, scone in the oven, brother hiding a kidnapper, just another day in Anna’s life.

About Anna. I have been getting emails asking me how can I enjoy her on AMC when she rightly belongs on GH. At first she seemed like the odd duck out in PV but that is changing. A mainstay of AMC is friendships and Anna is developing those with Tad, Jackson, Greenlee and Maggie. She has family in Edmund, Leo and Aiden. Her career is in Pine Valley. Oh yeah, and her husband is carving out a nice niche for himself as PV’s major fiend. Lots to keep her there and keep her busy.
Putting all those AMC reasons aside, there are actual reasons why I don’t want her to return to GH in the near future. The GH she would return to is not the GH she left. It’s Sonny’s world now. What would she do in PC? Anything in law enforcement would eventually have her portrayed as a buffoon who cannot outsmart Sonny. Maybe there could have been some WSB tie-in with the Cassadines but that family has pretty much been decimated.
And I have no illusions about Anna and Robin being together as a dynamic mother-daughter duo. When Robin left GH, she had been turned into a self-righteous bitch. The headwriter that did that to her is the headwriter now. And forget any idea of Anna as a great mother. Felicia went from being just about the best mother on soaps to being one of the worst in the blink of an eye. Why wish that on Anna? Woman characters do not fare well in the current version of GH. I am content to have Finola Hughes’ excellent portrayal of Anna right here on AMC.

Quibbles and Bits

1. One thing TreyBen and Leo do have in common is the inability to ask the obvious question: ”Who the heck is my father, Nessa?”
2. I love the name of David’s illegal drug: X-17!! Sounds like something out of an Ed Wood movie.
3. Who thinks David was burying the body of an experiment gone wrong ?
4. What kind of idiot buries a body on the beach?
5. I had to laugh when Brooke told Maria she would fetch Edmund and “be right back.” Brooke could hardly move in that dress. Must have given Maria 2-3 hours to make her escape.
6. How did Maria and Maddie get past Wildwind’s crack security team? Or should that be crack addicted security team?
7. For a no-tell motel, the Pine Cone sure has lovely bed linens. How long before we can buy them on Shop the Soaps?
8. It’s obvious from that DVF dress that Mia has passed wanting to look like the lady of the house and is trying to look like the matron of the house.
9. It is rather fitting that Tad knows Anna is pregnant before David does. After all, David knew about Dixie’s pregnancy before Tad.
10. As fellow returning-from-the-dead-amnesiacs, wasn’t Tad and Anna’s shock about Maria’s return a bit of a stretch?
11. Anna must be the only character in soap history to rinse her mouth, use breath spray and reapply her lip gloss after vomiting. You go, girl.

I have an idea about how David can survive all his troubles. Right after the crash Maria remembered Maddie therefore X-17 is most likely what caused her amnesia. All David has to do is wait for the next large gathering and drop some in the punch bowl. That way everyone will forget everything he did. Of course they will forget everything else too, but I am sure the writers could find a way around that. They work their way around logic all the time.

If you have theories about what will happen to David or any other thoughts on AMC, please email me at katebrowneos@hotmail.com

Happy Labor Day!

Kate

Fri, 23 Aug 2002 03:45:42 GMT

These days AMC has me thinking about my 7th grade English teacher, Mr. Wilson. He was a tough taskmaster but a great teacher. He loved playing with words. Puns were his best friend. One day he wrote Miss Veri Similitude on the blackboard. Mr. Wilson explained that she should be our constant companion when we were writing. He told us that readers would follow an author anywhere, no matter how far fetched the story, as long as there was a nugget of believability in the story being told.

I wish everyone could have a teacher like Mr. Wilson, but, mostly, I wish that the current crop of AMC writers had been with me in that class. One of the reasons that I have stuck with AMC over the years is because there has almost always been a semblance of reality in the stories being told. And because of that, I never felt like the writers thought the viewers were stupid. Until now.

Oh, how I yearn for days of www.incredibleidiots.com. That business story almost makes sense compared to what’s going on at Chandler Enterprises and Enchantment Cosmetics.

Why aren’t the Chandler employees storming the Chandler estate, demanding Liza’s head on a platter? She stole company funds. Shouldn’t she be suffering some punishment greater than Adam gaslighting her? The silly thing is that Liza didn’t need that money to secure Colby’s future. Liza has money of her own. She owns WRCW after all. And her salary as Chandler CEO must hardly be a pittance. She is living rent free at Adam’s mansion. Goodness knows she spends nothing on clothes. There was no reason for the embezzlement to happen. If Adam really wants custody of Colby, just turn Liza over to the SEC and be done with it.

Across town we have both of Erica’s babies, Enchantment and Bianca. Does it make any sense that Erica would not be there for Binky’s first day in the office? Are we to believe that there are no experienced Vice Presidents who routinely stepped in when Erica has been off honeymooning, visiting Binks in Seattle for months on end or being kidnapped? Would longtime employees really run to Bianca when someone bails on a contract? Where was that legal department Erica is always using to threaten people? (Remember how quickly they dealt with the Shannon problem?) A few months ago Bianca was turning down, with some distaste I might add, Erica’s offer of free lipgloss. Now suddenly Bianca is a cosmetics industry maven? Couldn’t we have had at least a day of Bianca struggling to figure things out before Val witnessed the “birth of a goddess?”

Just down the street we have Kendall stealing the Enchantment spokesperson for Revlon. Which could have made sense if Kendall worked for Revlon at the time. I wonder if the real folks at Revlon are thrilled at being portrayed like this?

I am wondering if I have always been wrong about amnesia. I thought amnesiacs lost their memories, not their brains. Maria was a world class neurologist, now she seems like she could not even spell it. Her behavior might be more believable if she had spent the past five years as David’s captive but that is not the case. Maria has spent a great deal of time away from his direct influence. She had a job where her she was valued. She had friends. Friends willing to lie to protect her. Are we to believe that she never was curious about the “man” she thought she killed? Are we to believe that David let her get a job in a hospital, where the odds of her being recognized were greater than had she gotten a job just about anywhere else? (Hooters springs to mind but then I am feeling crabby.)

Clearly I am irritated with AMC; clearly it is time for

Quibble, Quibble

1. Trey needed to blackmail Mia in order to pay off his blackmailer Roger. Where then did Trey get the money to pay for the foster child’s medical treatments?
2. Where is Mary Smythe? Didn’t she vow to find a place in her daughter’s life? I hope she returns, trying to rekindle not only the mother/daughter relationship but her relationship with Jackson as well.
3. We have been told repeatedly that Simone is a hardcore investigative journalist. Yet, she was clueless about the Proteus files being hidden in her own apartment.
4. Speaking of Proteus, is Chris still working on that case? Or is the chauffeur/chef/FBI agent/lawyer now a fulltime construction supervisor?
5. Jackson is always throwing David’s destroyed evidence in Anna’s face. Why doesn’t anyone mention the Proteus evidence “lost” in the fire?
6. Speaking of being told things repeatedly, couldn’t a crawler just run under Bianca’s scenes saying, “yes, even though Bianca is a girly-girl, she is indeed a lesbian.” That could not possibly be more tiresome and insulting than having Bianca repeat it over and over.
7. That is some summer camp Jamie went to. Not only is he no longer mute but he is a good six inches taller, too.
8. This is an “in advance” quibble: now that Anna has a scone in the oven, please let her keep it. AMC has used up its quota of dead babies for at least the next three years.
9. Trey had a bad childhood. He may have murdered the real Trey. Still doesn’t make the character complex or interesting.
10. Does anyone believe that Trevor would not have called Dr. Joe to find out exactly what “tests” are keeping Tim in PV? Or if there is trouble in the Dillon home that Tim would leave Amanda there to fend for herself?
11. Wouldn’t you have thought that after the last two Wildwind murders, Eddie would have had a lock installed on the front door?

I haven’t been disappointed in everything AMC. I have enjoyed the scenes with Palmer and Kendall. Those scenes with Palmer and Kendall were good. Anyone catch those scenes with Palmer and Kendall? Boy, they were good.

All My Schmattes

Usually at a wedding it is the attendants who suffer bad dresses. How like Brooke to start a different trend. AMC has no idea how to dress Brooke. You don’t dress a short curvy woman in a tight satin dress with a gaping neckline. With things that resemble wings coming up at the shoulders. The whole look was way too fussy for Brooke to carry off. Who cares if the first wife isn’t dead, that dress alone was reason enough to cancel the wedding.

Hayley looked great. The dress flattered her figure and the color, though an unusual choice for a wedding, was spot on. And Maddie looked great, too.

It takes real effort to make a woman as pretty as Maggie look unattractive, yet someone managed. It looked like she was wearing a lace tablecloth from the Valley Inn. Opal could have pulled off that hairdo but it just made Maggie look oddly matronly.

How could you tell it was a wedding? Because Anna was wearing dark taupe instead of black!

And about Mia’s new look: I am surprised Liza didn’t greet her with, “And how is that hostessing gig at the Valley Inn working out?”

I am hoping that the things that are bothering me about AMC are just the result of the writers suffering from the summer heat. I am always perkier in the Fall. Let’s hope they are ,too.

I also hope you are having a great summer. If you get a chance, email me at katebrowneos@go.com and let me know your thoughts on AMC

Kate

Mon, 05 Aug 2002 22:56:16 GMT

As I was watching AMC this past week, I made note of some lines that spoke to me about our favorite show:

"I've had several wives who have avoided Oak Haven altogether."

Adam is too modest. All of his wives have avoided Oak Haven. Dixie was committed to Laurel Hill, a much more snake pit- like sanitarium. An unscrupulous doctor/owner was willing to take tons of Adam's money in exchange for frying Dixie's brains. (I am really biting my tongue here, after all it's not nice to make bad jokes about the dead.) When the nefarious dealings came to light, the place was shut down and his license was revoked. This scene with Adam and Barry is the only one I have enjoyed during this rehash of The War of the Roses. Colby would be better off being raised by Stuart and Marion than her parents. Adam and Liza used her as a pawn even before her conception. It is pretty clear that Liza's resentment of Adam goes back to the sperm switch. And his resentment comes from, well, let's face it, Adam winds up resenting every woman he marries.

How did we get here?

Well, Liza, besides the fact that your marriage is drowning in resentment, there is the fact that soap writers find it almost impossible to create interesting stories for married couples that don't end in divorce. (After all, they even have Anna and David talking about divorce on a biweekly basis despite their obvious love and devotion.)

"I don't want to feed the frigging ducks. I'm not five years old."

Nor are you the sweet little Petey that used to hang out with your big brother Adrian. (As an aside, it seems Tad and Opal have completely forgottenAdrian. It's as if he is buried Six Feet Under.) Petey is clearly the product of the hateful divorce between Opal and Palmer. Or maybe he is just bitter because he has not been SORAS'd into the teen set. Are there any other kids his age in PV? Maybe they should reverse SORAS Jamie so Petey can have someone to play with. Although he does like playing with Nanny Kendall. Frankly, what young boy wouldn't?

"I don't like to think of you as lonely, Maggie."

Ahhh, what a sweet guy that Trey is. Or pretends to be. But why does he care about Maggie? Is his interest romantic or familial? Could he be her brother? Or her cousin? There have been many hints that Vanessa has three sons. (My goodness, it is getting harder and harder not to make bad jokes as this column progresses.) Is he hot on the Proteus money trail because he thinks Vanessa owes him that for abandoning him? Do I care? Not really. Although he has a lot of screen time, Trey just seems to float through AMC. His character needs some anchoring before I can be interested. Of course, having him related to the Hayward/DuPres boys just might do it.

"She's back."

Josh Duhamel was wonderful last week, expertly showing the conflict within a grieving son who both loved and loathed his mother. And his reaction to Vanessa's eyes popping open was hysterical. He was surprised. He was not surprised. He was happy. He was scared. And he couldn't get away from her fast enough. That little backwards two step he and David did was classic. Classic horror film reaction to the monster reaching for you. Perfect. And it was fun seeing con artist Leo work Trey. It wouldn't be awful if Trey turned out to be a third brother. AMC has a good track record when it comes to brothers. (Ever notice the lack of sisters though?)

"Nice to meet you Miss Saunders."

The big news here is not that Frankie is Mia's son's father but that Mia actually has a last name.

"Women grieve. Men replace."

Well, that quote from Simone's mother gave me more insight into Simone's background than anything else has. Did good old Zeke abandon a young Simone and her mother? Did Simone take her mother's maiden name as her own? Or did Simone have a stepfather whose last name was Torres? And how does a "hard hitting investigative journalist" not have a clue about her rights as a tenant with a signed lease?

"I'm so sick of being me."

I have to agree with you Brooke. No, I am not sick of being me but I am pretty darn sick of you being you. I was with you, sort of, when you began this search for Maria. I understood how stressful it was for you, having already lost Edmund once to Maria. (A fact everyone seems to overlook. Edmund had the chance to reconcile with Brooke but chose to marry Maria instead.) But you lost me when you went into your Job routine. I would never diminish or make light of losing a child. It is the worst pain on earth. You could have just stopped there and things would have been fine between us girlfriend. But oh no, you had to go into your "I am so tired of being good" routine. Riddle me this, Brooke: how many good people shoot in a man in the back? (And as a hint, "Anna" is not an acceptable answer.) I don't think you can sell your soul to keep Edmund because you already sold your soul to avoid prison for a murder charge.

"You're an evil woman." " Yes, I am."

I do not often agree with Erica but yes, she is evil. Evil in a really tacky way. It is tacky to make light of a competitor's father being murdered. Tacky to tell your daughter she has a rapist's eyes. The funniest line on AMC in a long, long time was when Chris said, "You're a class act Erica." Chris really needs to get out more.

And finally, a line from The Sound Of Music:

"How do you solve a problem like Maria?"

Frankly, I have no idea. After all, it is not my happiness that is threatened by her return. I do find her story more interesting now that David has been brought into the mix. (Actually bringing anyone else from PV into the story would have improved it for me. I found those constant trips to Nevada exhausting and that motel depressing.) That combination solves two problems. It gives Maria's story a better spin than simply the usual dead-wife-returns-from-the-dead-just-in-time-for-the-wedding. And now David has something more interesting to do than shop for baby furniture and plant willow trees. Was David Maria's doctor after the crash? Is their connection less medical and more Proteus-related? If David does not know Maria's true identity, why would he keep their conversation a secret from Anna? And more interestingly, why did he pretend to not know who Brooke and Tad are? Right off the bat one thing puzzles me, since Maria is determined to avoid Brooke and Tad, why did she fly to PV when she knows they hail from there? I do think we need to be prepared for major history rewrites, the bane of this soap viewer's life.

However this shakes out, I do think everyone in PV will see Maria before Edmund does. Including Jesse's ghost and Jesse didn't even know Maria!

All My Schmattes

I realized this week that Opal has been wearing my mother's wardrobe from the mid-60s. My mother of course took a much more subtle approach to accessorizing. And just so you know, those clothes were considered very tasteful in the mid-60s. This is not the first time my mother's wardrobe and pop culture have crossed paths. In the late 70s Grace Slick's mother and my mother had the same pink tweed suit. Grace's mother was the only one to wear it on the cover of LIFE magazine however.

I also realized this week that I like the way Palmer dresses. Especially that pale green outfit he wore in the park. He dresses in a very modern way without looking like he is trying to be younger than he is.

His good friend Erica could take a lesson. When you try to dress decades younger than your age, you look older than you are and more than slightly ridiculous. Erica could still dress in a very sensual way without looking like an aging hooker.

I am enjoying AMC even with all its shortcomings. I look forward to it. Just as I look forward to hearing what you think, whether you agree with my opinions or not!

Kate

Sun, 21 Jul 2002 15:02:09 GMT

Soaps deaths happen. Some are easy (Dixie). Some are hard (Harold). Easy or hard, they are part of the deal. I accept them and move on. But, for the first time, I am refusing to believe that a character is dead.

Roger is not dead. Nope, will not accept that. He is too much fun, and Mark Pinter is too good at playing him to have him gone from the PV canvas permanently. I suggest that this death is merely a ruse to allow Roger to slip into the witness protection program. (And he needs protection. Was it an accident that Wolfe shot the person who had turned State's evidence against Proteus?) Let others mourn him, in my mind Roger has joined Billy Clyde Tuggle at some "safe house." Those two sly dogs are sitting around shooting craps and shooting the bull until TPTB get their heads on straight and bring those delightfully bad boys home.

Roger's "death" was not the only thing happening in PV this week. We had a wedding, a genetics lesson, an escape from Oak Haven, and an almost rape. And then secrets were exposed, and nefarious plans uncovered. Oh, and Mia got her hair cut!

I loved the wedding. From all the wonderful double entendres at the rehearsal party to the ceremony at the boathouse. I also enjoyed the getting-Greenlee-ready party. It was fun seeing Greens trying to control her disappointment as she opened her "something borrowed, something blue, something old, something new" gifts. And fun seeing Mary unable to control her selfish bitchy side. Especially when she tried to convince Greens how "special" those pearl earrings were. I swear, they weighed more than Greenlee. Mary, to me they looked like you wore them at a "special" night at Studio 54. Really, girlfriend, what were you thinking?

I do know what a lot of us have been thinking, what color eyes does Vanessa have? They looked brown to me this week. (Although they did look green whenever she wore those huge emerald earrings that Eric Kane, Leo's father (wink,wink), gave her, so I can concede that her eyes may be hazel.) Either way, wouldn't it have been prudent for David to suggest redoing the DNA test? Oh well, the Hayward-DuPres brothers were so wonderful together I can forgive them anything. (The writers on the other hand…)

Speaking of forgiveness, why is everyone treating Simone like the Whore of Babylon? Roger is not married. When she and Roger first hit the sheets, Simone was not friends with Greenlee. And even then, it is hardly a reason to crucify her. I understand Greenlee's ick factor. No one really wants to think of their parents having sex. And I understand her feeling a bit of fool for not realizing what was going on. But she is the only one that has the right to be upset on any level. Why was Simone's father so upset? Clearly Simone has some father ("treat Daddy right") issues, perhaps Zeke McMillan has a few daughter issues. And do we really want to go there? TPTB are clearly working overtime to make Simone a sympathetic character but I wish they had found a more believable way to do it.

Thank goodness some level of believability has entered into the whole Adam/Liza/Mia mess. That being Liza finally figuring out that Adam is gaslighting her. I was just about to give up on this storyline. Especially, as I predicted, when Adam had "Liza" slashing clothes just the way Dixie did. I really think Adam would have been clever enough to think of new diabolical ways in gaslighting. I really hated Liza being so feeble-minded. It is time for her to be Liza again: strong, determined and smart.

Mia on the other hand is becoming more annoying by the day. I admired Jake's restraint when he did not answer her question, "how stupid do you think I am?" The appropriate response being, "how long do you have?' My goodness, she is easier to dupe than Dixie was. After all, Dixie was incredibly naïve and virginal when she met Adam. Mia came into town having fended for herself for quite awhile. Nothing about her suggested that she could be conned quite so easily. It is not as if Adam is the only person who has been nice to her since she arrived in PV. Marion, Stuart, Jake, and (eventually) Liza have made her feel welcome. Where is the Mia who was worldly enough to leave Ryan when it became clear they had different ideas about their relationship? I miss that Mia. And I want her back now!

I would like to comment on Brooke and Tad playing Where in the World is Maureen S. Gorman? But first I will have to stop laughing over Brooke's slow faint in the hotel lobby. Seriously, folks, is any of this making any sense? Would a woman who does not want to be found even register with the Living Donor Bank? Would Brooke really think it is better to have Edmund believe she is unfaithful than to believe Maria may be alive? Have Jamie's severe emotional problems cleared up? Last month they were so severe they brought everyone's world to a screeching halt, this month his parents take a sudden mystery trip out of town without a second thought. The clerk would not confirm if Maria was registered because at this no-tell-motel, guests' security is a priority. Yet Edmund found Brooke and Tad's room with no problem.

All I ask is a little consistency, but that is in short supply at AMC these days.

All My Schmattes

Bridesmaids dresses that were not an embarrassment, how wonderful! I liked how they echoed Greens' dress in the very subtle way of having the embellishments trail up only one strap. The light sparkly touch was also nice, especially for a candlelight wedding.
Greens' dress was beautiful but the top was ill-fitting. That was strange since her clothes usually fit perfectly. The beading was very Badgeley-Mishka without overwhelming her petite figure. Greens wanted a fairytale wedding and that certainly was a fairytale dress.
Opal got a little carried away with the hair ornaments. Could she have fit one more butterfly on Greenlee's head? But as Opal said, "less is more" is a concept she just does not understand.
Millicent certainly was dressed like the doyenne of PV society that she is. Although when Opal wears that many necklaces everyone thinks she is tacky.
I like how Mary dresses. A moneyed woman's style with an overlay of "I am an artist." That is especially reflected in her jewelry, which is not ordinary fare. The necklace and the earrings she chose for the wedding, though, were way too casual for both her dress and the occasion.

I was disappointed that Phoebe and Myrtle were not at the wedding because then we would have gotten one of my favorite things: women in hats!

And I doubt there is a man alive who does not look drop-dead gorgeous in evening dress.

Quibble, Quibble

1. Anna's "something borrowed" for Greens was a penny for her shoe. Does that mean she expects the smelly penny back?
2. Mary's "something old" was that beautiful ribbon from Millicent and Woody's wedding. It looked lovely wrapped around the bouquet, which Greens then threw in the lake. Maybe Mary had a point about not lending her anything valuable.
3. The wedding rehearsal was to start at 8pm, yet Bianca could not attend because she had to be at court for the opening of Kendall's trial?
4. Mary's big fear was that the wedding would be tacky. Didn't that horse leave the barn when Revlon decided to use the wedding to launch a new cosmetics line?
5. Has Marion stopped drinking, even though it's clear that Liza still has problems?
6. Does Tad still work at Chandler Enterprises? Is Hayley still doing The Wave? What happened to Kendall's job at SOS?
7. How did Greens just burst into Vanessa's room? Isn't Proteus still awaiting trial ? Shouldn't there have been guards outside her room?
8. Why do Simone and her father have different last names?
9. And finally, how long before Maria notices she put an open bottle of water in her tote bag?

And, finally, not a quibble but a disappointment. I am sorry to see Count DuPres leave. He should at least get a scene where he can confront Vanessa about her lies. I would love to see him point his finger at her, shouting, in a very imperious fashion, "J'accuse!" Vanessa could then slip into being Rosie and start playing Josephine to his Bonaparte. What fun!

Kendall and Palmer could also be fun. It should be interesting seeing them try to out-play each other.

I hope you are out playing (hey, it's been months since a bad pun) and enjoying summer. I look forward to hearing what you are enjoying, or not enjoying about AMC-

Kate

Sun, 07 Jul 2002 21:36:48 GMT

Oh, how I wanted to leave Pine Valley with Ryan. Hold on tight and feel that massive piece of equipment throbbing between my thighs. (I was, of course, referring to his motorcycle-you have such dirty minds!)

And why did I want to leave with him? Well, for one thing, Erica has worn out her welcome with me. I abhor domestic violence and am certainly not advocating it in any way, shape or form. However during their hotel room conversation, I wanted Jackson to pick Erica up by her ankles, whirl her around and knock her head against the armoire. Jackson has far more control than I do; I would have throttled her." Maybe I know something. Maybe I don't. Don't you know something Jackson? I can't get Myrtle involved in this." Erica's ego is so massive and she is so immature that she thinks she can control justice in PV. And the unfortunate thing is, she gets away with it. It was barely tolerable years ago when she twisted her testimony against Jeff to suit her own view of the world, almost getting him convicted for murder in the process. The most frustrating thing for me is that she never takes responsibility for her actions. After the Frankie murder trial fiasco, when Jackson pointed out that her false confession enabled the trail to the real killer to grow cold, she replied, "Well, you cannot blame that on me." And who else would we blame it on Erica?

And then there is her relationship with Kendall. Her motivations for giving Kendall up for adoption were perfectly understandable and even laudable. Not being thrilled when Kendall reappeared in her life years ago also perfectly understandable. Not trusting Kendall, also understandable. Not taking any responsibility for bringing Kendall back to PV for the murder trial, not quite so understandable. And Erica telling Kendall that her eyes are exactly like her rapist pedophile father's is pretty much unforgivable.

When Erica was 18 and stomped her foot because the world did not go her way, it was amusing. In her twenties and thirties when we were learning more about father, it was acceptable. And even funny at times, like during her confrontation with the bear. But now the same behavior makes her seem petty, vindictive and just small. And I don't mean because she is short.

The recent storylines are not doing Erica any favors. Nothing says Erica would not be interesting if she grew up a little. I need her to take a trip, a very long trip.

Maybe she could take Hayley with her. I said last spring that Hayley's unhappiness with her life was translating into attacks on Mia. Those attacks are continuing and they don't make much sense. Shouldn't Hayley be having these discussions with Adam, not Mia? And Hayley's tone when she said "your adopted son" was right up there with Erica's recent bitchy behavior. Get a grip, girl.

Not that I am crazy about Mia right now. But I am less crazy about Hayley. Which is sad because Hayley has always been one of my favorite characters. Maybe it's time for Brian Bodine to come back to town and sweep her off feet and out of Mateo's condo.

Well, as long as I am on a roll, here is what else is driving me nuts about PV these days:

Wasn't Kendall's mom, Alice, due in town for the wedding? It is now the next day and she still has not shown up.

Wasn't Leo supposed to be Ryan's best man? Then why didn't Leo show up, only to discover that the wedding wasn't taking place?

Why has there been no discussion at PVPD about the Proteus' evidence that was "lost" in the fire?

Why didn't the DA's office establish the timeline of Kendall's activities the night of the fire a little earlier in the investigation?

How much blonder is Jackson's hair going to get? (Not complaining, just curious.)

How come you can make long distance phone calls from PVH phones when I cannot even make local calls from my hospital's phones?

I understand why Anna suspects that Guy is not really Leo's father, but why does Maggie also seem suspicious?

Why, oh why, was Tim recast?

Why did Liza stop being a realist and start living in her own little fairytale world?
One thing I do understand and did not drive me nuts, was Maria's dumbfounded look after she spoke with Mateo. Dumbfounded, not because she did not recognize the recast's voice, but dumbfounded because she was thinking, "ENZO, they named the baby ENZO? What were they thinking?"

Here is the thing about AMC. It drives me crazy sometimes. It makes me roll my eyes. And yet it still makes me want to tune in every day. And can do something like having hospital bound children sing God Bless America and not make this cynic gag. Don't get me wrong, I love the song, but sentimentality usually has that effect on me. But AMC pulls me in every time.

One final AMC thought: wouldn't it be fun if Jackson turned out to be Greenlee's father? Just think of the repercussions.

I want to thank everyone who sent me good wishes about my surgery. It went as expected and the biopsy was negative. Your kind thoughts and prayers and yes, laughs, made a difficult situation much easier. And I promise, that eventually, I will answer each and every email.

Kate

Tue, 25 Jun 2002 02:55:13 GMT

Santa Maria! Understandable but amusing how in death Maria has been canonized. That pesky one night stand with her brother-in-law overlooked. Her sanctimonious treatment of Hayley during the whole Tanner affair swept under the rug. It is human nature to idealize someone who has died.

But why, oh, why, must Maureen S. Gorman also be a saint? I was hoping Eva La Rue, in whatever reincarnation, would return as a bitchy slut. Show up at Wildwind wearing tight jeans and a leather jacket and a real attitude. My favorite Maria scene remains the one where she and Edmund first had sex. In the stables, a lot of heavy kissing and breathing, and Edmund calls a halt because he is "not prepared." With a devilish grin, Maria reaches into her jeans pocket and pulls out a condom! Now, that Maria was my kind of woman!

I thought Mia was my kind of woman, but I hardly recognize her these days. What happened to that spirited card shark? She has gone from supporting herself hustling cards to being manipulated by Adam and blackmailed by Trey. Her infectious energy has disappeared. Her IQ has dropped. I must say her hair is looking better these days. I wonder if there is a connection?

Right now both sisters have good hair, but their lives are messy. Liza and Adam had been making me tired for a long time. Adam's gaslighting Liza has me perking right up. Watching Adam being devilishly devious is always fun. Even if he has done this before with Dixie. How long before Liza opens Colby's closet to find the clothes cut to shreds à la Dixie and JR's baby clothes? Will this plot also find Tad rushing in at the last minute just before the evil doctor injects Liza with a mind altering drug? Or will he be too busy staking potential donors for Enzo?

I am beginning to wonder if someone at AMC has an ax to grind with organ donor programs. First, we had Brooke stalking and harassing potential heart donors. And that was downright ghoulish. Now we have Brooke and Tad flying to the Southwest to snag a piece of a donor's liver. We do have phones here in the Southwest; wouldn't a call have sufficed? Surely agreeing to be listed in the living donor bank implies one is a willing donor? No stalking needed.

Obviously the plan is to have Brooke find M&M (too tired to type Maria and Maureen each time). Brooke could do that anywhere, a bookstore, an airport or even a bridal fair. They could bump into each other while ducking the duking brides. What a great cat fight that was! The only thing that would have made it better would have been if one of them had whacked Bianca in the head with a bouquet or a shoe or two by four. Would it have killed Bianca to be gracious about being a bridesmaid? It is a gift she would be giving her friend Leo. Has Bianca forgotten that she encouraged Leo to reconcile with Greens because he would be miserable until he did?

Now Leo has Greens and maybe, just maybe a father. Probably not though, that would be too easy. Given the reliability of DNA results on soaps, I would not believe the results however they turn out. While the Count is charming, I cling to my hope that Leo's father is Eric Kane. Rumors are flying around that Roger is Leo's father. The only way that would not be totally nauseating would be if he is not Green's father. Of course Mary would not reveal that little fact just so she could break up the happy couple, leaving her inheritance intact. (Wasn't it great seeing Woody again?)

Or maybe Roger is Trey's father. And Vanessa is his mother. Imagine having Roger and CandyPants as your parents. Wouldn't put it past Roger to blackmail his own son. After all, he had no trouble stealing from his daughter's trust fund or bedding her closest friend. It became obvious to me this week that I am one twisted sister. Why? Because I like Roger even more now that I know he was using Simone. I perversely enjoyed those scenes. To me Simone is at best a blank, at worst annoying. And Mark Pinter is just so damn good.

I had intended to rag on Erica but I will save that for next week. (That is no idle threat!) These days writing about AMC is almost as much fun as watching it.

Quibble, Quibble

1. Liza, dear, David thought you had a bad headache when you entered into that agreement. No one knew you had a brain tumor.
2. And why is Liza under the impression she will have to don a lab coat and keep David's Bunsen burner lit? (Can I volunteer for that job?). Give him some money, a lab and delegate him to someone else. Geesh, do I have to figure out everything around here?
3. Would it have killed ABC/Disney to spring for a couple dozen, as opposed to a couple, extras for Stuart's Day of Compassion ceremony? Couldn't they have used the ones already hired for the bridal fair/boxing match?
4. Is Pine Valley High having a mid-summer prom this year? Could they make this plot seem anymore like a last minute idea to give Maggie something to do?
5. I am getting a headache. I cannot decide whether to " Shop the Soaps" and buy the engagement ring Ryan gave Kendall or a washcloth just like the one David gave Liza to put on her migraine- battered head. What, the washcloth hasn't been offered yet? Trust me, it's just a matter of time.

I like Count DuPres, whether or not he turns out to be Leo's father. I especially liked the advice he gave Leo, "The most important thing is to love well. It looks easy but it is not." True, dear Count, but it is always worth it!

Kate

Wed, 12 Jun 2002 01:54:27 GMT

I am having a hard time here. Life in Pine Valley is not perfect. I haven't been this disillusioned since learning Leo cannot dance. And what has me disillusioned? The Living Donor Bank lists Maria Santos Grey who, as far as anyone in PV knows, has been dead for five years. Geesh.

And besides the idiocy of this plot point, it is superfluous. Brooke and Edmund's wedding will make Maria's return dramatic enough. And Enzo's illness is heartbreaking enough for viewers; this additional pathos is beyond manipulative. Are TPTB planning on tying Maria to every ongoing plot before she crosses the town line? What next, we discover that Maria is the only one who knows where the Proteus drug money is?

The location of that drug money is confounding the PVPD, the Feds, Trey and Leo, among others. In addition to being disillusioned, I, too, am confounded by many things in Pine Valley these days:

1. Why haven't Adam, Stuart and JR been tested as a match for Enzo? Why hasn't Adam at least stopped by the hospital to throw his weight around?
2. Two weeks ago, Adam was planning on having Liza committed to prevent SEC charges being filed. This week she is going back to work at Chandler Enterprises. Did I blink and miss something?
3. Mary is concerned about what people will say when her daughter marries the son of a drug dealer. Doesn't the fact that Greenlee's father worked for that drug dealer make Mary's concern moot?
4. And given the drug dealing connection, why would Revlon risk its corporate image by having anything to do with the wedding?
5. And speaking of Revlon, what happened to that storyline? Did Revlon pay ABC tons of money to have Greenlee say "Revlon" twice a week?
6. And what happened to Roger turning state's evidence? Shouldn't he have some concerns about living long enough to give Greenlee away?
7. I guess the PV International Airport does not have to follow the new security guidelines, how else could Greens surprise Leo at the gate? (OK, maybe that is being overly picky but am I to believe Greens flew the Concorde from PV to Paris?)
8. And why did Greens follow Leo to Paris, when her job was to keep the cover going that he had not left town?
9. The last time we saw the inside of PV High, Laura (shudder) was running from the halls in an X induced haze. We haven't even seen Philomena since Rosa left town. And now Bianca, who has been doing independent study, mostly at SOS, her entire senior year, is all invested in going to her senior prom? And we are supposed to be invested with her? That high school bitch crowd would have been more believable had it included at least one little bitch we had seen before.

Well, Kate, is there anything you like about AMC? Yes. I like the parallel stories of daughters longing for a mother's love they are never going to get. Each heart breaking in its own way. And each an excellent job in casting. I never would have picked Anna Stuart as Greens' mother, but I am so glad AMC did. Olivia Birkelund and Kelly Ripa have true mother/daughter chemistry. And that chemistry breaks my heart every time. Alicia Minshew and Susan Lucci not only look alike but have compatible acting styles (and that's all I am going to say about that.)

And I like Anna and David. Although I wish TPTB would find something for them to talk about besides whether or not to divorce. The "I have some experience with aliens" was a cute remark. And did serve to remind me that no matter how frustrating stories may get on AMC, they never approach the sheer horror and ennui of the Casey-the-Alien plot on GH.

And I like that Leo has found his sense of humor again. His frustration at being trapped in the apartment with Anna and David was priceless Leo.

And I love Roger. I love that he is blackmailing Trey. I love that he said, "Ms. Torres said to put it on her tab." I love that no matter how despicable he is being, he manages to make me smile.

And I love that Arlene is back, although it seems not for long. I wish she would stick around. Wouldn't she and Rog make a great pair?

All My Schmattes

What was that "dress" Erica wore for her romantic Little Italy dinner with Chris? It had sleeves, it had straps, it had something hanging off the front that looked like fresh pasta. She would have better off in "pleather" pants.

Will someone please take Mia and Kendall shopping? Does every blouse Mia owns have those ridiculous milk maid puffy sleeves? I am surprised her swimsuit didn't have them. She was better dressed when she first came to PV and was penniless.

Kendall. Kendall. That red blouse you wore for the lie detector test looked like it was applied with a pastry tube. Of course maybe you were hoping that Ryan would try to lick it off. There might be a method to the madness of your dressing after all!

AMC has that indefinable soap something that keeps me tuning in every day. I love going to Pine Valley, even if it is not as perfect as I once thought it was.

Thank to everyone who sent me good wishes in my HMO dealings. Your many kind thoughts and prayers are appreciated more than I can possibly say.

Kate

Fri, 31 May 2002 06:25:43 GMT

I realized this week that institutions have hobbies. My HMO's hobby is to drive me crazy. What started out as a simple (?) biopsy has escalated into an unbelievable mishegas. One that has consumed vast amounts of my time and energy. Thus explaining why this column is a bit of a mishegas, itself.

I think I know what Trey's hobby is. He goes from preschool to preschool telling children there is no Santa Claus. Just for the rush of seeing the kiddies cry. What a nasty, albeit, well- dressed piece of work. PV was lacking a morally non -ambiguous villain, and Trey fits that bill. Too bad the plots surrounding him are filled with holes.

Mia's brother-in-law is one of the most powerful men in the country. And Adam has made it clear he will do anything for Liza's sister. Why doesn't Mia go to Adam for help in resolving the illegal adoption problem? Wouldn't this seem like a better idea than embezzling money from the funds Lizaalready embezzled from Chandler Enterprises? For a smart cookie, Mia is showing definite signs of meringue brain.

And about that money. Several very colorful bankbooks were involved. The SEC is involved. Prison term possibilities are being bandied about. The stockholders are in revolt. Chandler Enterprises stands on the brink of ruin. To me that says millions and millions of dollars. Why then did Liza say to Mia, "When Ryan returns the $100,000.00, there will be a nice sum of money in those accounts for you." Makes no sense. No sense at all.

Kind of like setting Kendall up for arson. Sure it seemed like a good idea. But was that the only silver disposable lighter ever made? Kendall was arrested in the same clothes she was wearing when the fire started. Were those clothes tested for traces of accelerant? I am hoping this turns into an ethical dilemma for Jack: convict Kendall to win Erica's heart or set an innocent woman free? And I could see some interesting conversations between Jack and Bianca about all this.

It would also be good to have the focus on Jackson, Bianca and Kendall rather than on Erica. I am so tired of her. I know. I know. Erica is Erica. Well Erica's act is wearing thin (no pun intended). What could be excused as ego compensation and somewhat charming when she was younger is now just vain, shallow and unappealing. This storyline is not doing her any favors. Mostly because this Kendall has managed to find a very sympathetic tone to the character. There is an evil harpy here, Erica, and it is not Kendall.

I thought Bianca's analysis of her custody hearing was interesting. Personally, I never thought it was Jackson's honest testimony that lost Erica custody, I thought it was the fact that she wore a gold lame hooker outfit to court.

Back to Trey for a moment. It is good to see someone putting pressure on him. Especially if that person is Roger. I am so thrilled that the decision to ax Roger's character seems to have been reversed, at least for the time being. He is so enjoyable to watch. All that smooth veneer hiding a hairy chest. Who knew? And since Greens has become a linchpin character, having her family around makes perfect sense.

And what a family! Can your imagine the pressure of picking out the perfect Mother's day card for Mary? Of course, perhaps Mother's Day is just too déclassé for her. Looking at Roger and Mary, it is amazing that Greens has a caring bone in her body. At least Erica had Mona. I am hoping Woody and Millicent show up soon for a complete family reunion.

Speaking of reunions, why did Trey and Maggie act, after the hug, like they had never spoken before? Have they forgotten how he harassed her about her testimony against Vanessa?

And is Maggie still living at the hotel, even after declaring her "aloneness" from David? And shouldn't Greens be asking her soon to be cousin-in-law to join the wedding party? It just feels like they brought Maggie in because TPTB liked the actress and wanted her back. Then why can't they keep her story consistent and find something for her to do?

David is doing a lot, mainly driving his wife crazy. And we thought he wouldn't make a good husband! The writing for this couple is consistently good, including the conversation where the "D" word comes up and leads to bed. (Not that "D" word. "Divorce", I was referring to their conversation about "divorce.") My favorite Anna line? "You talk to me like you are my boss, not my husband." (The gender reverse being the classic "You talk to me like you are my mother, not my wife." And how cruel would that be to say to Anna, considering David's mother is Vanessa.)

What I didn't get about David was what he chose to say at Dixie's memorial service. Bringing up their affair seemed disrespectful to Dixie. I would have thought David would have spoken about her courage in going to Europe to have her baby. And of course his major role in helping her to do that. (And while Jakeass and Tad were all to quick to blame David for Dixie's stay in Europe, I do not doubt that none of the Martins would have thanked David had she carried to term.)

I am glad Dixie is dead. For a number of reasons. It frees Tad up to do something different. And Pine Valley has one less hypocrite, which is always a good thing.

I am not thrilled the baby is dead. I could see Tad slipping into his John Ritter mode as a single father. (Of course, his daughter is not really dead. One day Tad will open the door to find Kate standing there, having been raised by Swiss goatherders or industrialists. )

Dixie was at her most interesting with David. David is at his most interesting with Anna. I like Anna a lot. She has the same notion of spring colors I do: black!

Dixie's death is bringing out emotions in everyone. Brought out Brooke's bitch side this past week. Look at that side, Eddie, examine it and head for the hills. Even if Eva La Rue were not coming back, my advice would be the same, run, Eddie, run!

Dixie's baby is dead; Hayley's son is sick. Sometimes this seems like All My Heart Wrenching Children. When bad things are happening in Hayley's life, can Mom be far away? Talk about reunions, I cannot wait for Arlene to visit Vanessa at Oak Haven.

AMC is on a great roll right now. It has been a most wonderful escape from the turmoil of the past few weeks. And your concerned emails have been wonderful, too. Thank you for your kindness.

Kate

Thu, 09 May 2002 21:38:22 GMT

A recent event had me thinking of yet another reason I would like to live in Pine Valley. A Pine Valley doctor would never call a patient at home on her birthday to inform her that she needed a biopsy. Not without taking her to the Valley Inn for a champagne brunch and some hot sex first.

Of course the Valley Inn is not the safest place these days. What with drug lords holding people at knife point. And daughters pulling guns on their mothers. Kendall. Kendall. Kendall. Are you mad at Erica because she played you? Or are you mad at yourself because you could not outplay her? I do not really care because Greenlee outplayed them both. Innocent is not a word easily applied to Greens, but she was the innocent party in this little family drama. How great to see her ensconced at Revlon. Erica is stuck with Kendall. She cannot easily fire her from Enchantment, not having made such a public display of hiring her. And Kendall is stuck not only with the realization that Mommy wants her gone but that Ryan is not going to be too thrilled with her, either. Oh my, Kendall could lose a decent man who loves her because of her lies and manipulations. Let's see, who does that sound like? Oh yeah, Erica! Cannot deny that gene-thing Ms. Kane.

Roger sure is not denying that hormone thing. Simone? Who knew? Although it does fit TPTB pattern of pairing up a less than charismatic character with partners until one works. And of course I am referring to Simone not Roger. Roger that silver tongued devil. He sure does know how to sweet talk a woman. Even I, who am usually immune to such things, found myself getting a bit warm. (OK, so I lied about being immune to sweet talk.) The great thing about Roger is that he really does mean what he says at the moment. That is what makes so good at being a con artist. He really meant that he wants to be a good father to Greenlee. Of course that did not stop him from charging Simone's seduction bouquet to Green's credit card. My dear Roger does have a little problem with impulse control.

And Greens is going to need that credit card, since I think "simple wedding" is definitely an oxymoron in Greenlee's lexicon. Leo went a long way to redeeming himself this week. Not by proposing to Greens or by confronting Vanessa. No, Leo redeemed himself by gathering wedding information. Including bouquet samples. What's not to love about a man being concerned with wedding details? Although I imagine there will be a lot not to love next time things do not go Leo's way and he turns on Greenlee.

Although as far as I recall Leo may have called Greenlee many things, he has never called her a "stupid bitch". Even if I had been thinking Trey was a hunk, his recent behavior towards Mia would reduce him to toad status. Which is way lower than a frog. Frog has prince potential, toad does not.

And what is with Hayley's attitude towards Mia? Is it really any of Hayley's business what Adam does with his money? And it is not quite like Hayley to judge someone without knowing all the facts. And you would think the facts would lead her to be a tad more sympathetic towards Mia; after all it is not like the concept of a painful childhood is foreign to Hayley. And it is not like Mia has access to her own trust fund for emergency cash. At first I thought it was jealousy on Hayley's part. Now I think it is just a way to lead her towards investigating Trey, which will lead to solving more of the Proteus puzzle. I still want Hayley to be the heroine in the Proteus saga. Although as long as Mateo is not the hero, I won't complain. Well, maybe just a little.

Or perhaps Hayley is just taking her stress about her marriage out on the nearest target, which just happened to be Mia. What stress? Well, gee, Mateo going undercover again. Or is that under the covers again? "What kind of marriage would we have if I did not let you do this?" Well, let's see Hayley. Maybe the kind where you talk about what is best for you and your infant son as well as what will feed Mateo's ego.

Fortunately for each scene featuring the increasingly irritating Mateo, there are scenes like the one with Leo and Ryan at SOS. It was good to see that the writers remembered these two are friends. And the fact that so many characters are friends is what keeps AMC interesting. So few relationships, Roger and Simone aside, have to be contrived to make stories work. Everyone has some connection to everyone else, and that is seldom forgotten.

Speaking of which, Edmund has clearly not forgotten that Brooke dumped him for Tad. And that was really kind of refreshing. It is just so irritating when we viewers have to do all the remembering ourselves! Edmund's fears about history repeating itself are valid. Although he did a little revision of history in telling the tale. Maria and Edmund were one of the great love stories in AMC history. Edmund's recalling that "well, we had a good life, Maria and I, but I never stopped loving you" must have come as a slap in the face to fans who have been pining for an E&M reunion ever since Maria slid over that cliff. Maybe Edmund was just taking care of Brooke's feelings, which is what people in love should do for each other.

He sure did not care about Tad's feelings with that remark about JR. And it was the truth. If Eddie's remark had not struck home, would Tad have reacted by decking him? Tad just does not take responsibility easily. And acting as if bringing Leslie Coulson to town did not exacerbate JR's problem was truly deflecting blame. This whole story would be more compelling if the actor playing Jamie was better. But that is a quibble. And I am so pleased with AMC these days that I was determined this week not to quibble at all.

Well, OK, one quibble: Chris and Erica left for the hospital at least 10 minutes before Ryan and Kendall. How did Kendall and Ryan manage to get to PVH, find Bianca's room, and check to see how she was doing before Chris and Erica got there?

That's it. No more quibbles. It just so much fun to be in a sweeps month that actually feels like a sweeps month.

Happy Mother's Day! I hope wherever you celebrate there is a lot less drama than at the Valley Inn. As for celebrations and me? I am making a note to myself to not answer the phone next year on my birthday!

Kate

Mon, 29 Apr 2002 22:46:03 GMT

Oh, life is glorious gale of song,
A medley of extemporanea
And love is a thing that never goes wrong
And I am Marie of Romania
Dorothy Parker

Ms. Parker could have been talking about love in Pine Valley. Bianca had a point when she said, "It is a total miracle when you find someone to love who loves you back." There is a lot of love in Pine Valley these days, and a lot, of course, that is going wrong. And really, would we want it any other way?

Let's see. Brooke and Edmund had a happy engagement for approximately twelve minutes. Then Jamie was recast, and it has been downhill from there. Just kidding. Although his problems seem to have come out of nowhere. Up until recently Jamie has been totally supportive of Edmund and Brooke's romance. I would have thought Eva LaRue returning would have been enough to cause problems. Was it also necessary to turn Tad into a total ass? A total ass who seems to have forgotten that Edmund used to be his best in-drag-on-the-run friend? An ass who had the audacity to tell Brooke all the trauma her love life had put Jamie through? Has Tad forgotten he left Brooke for Dixie when Jamie was just a tyke? That the T/D marriage was like a revolving door? And Tad, it was not because of Edmund or Brooke that Leslie Coulson returned to town. Sigh. I was hoping for more from Tad now that Dixie is gone.

One bright spot in all this. Brooke has grown tiresome, but I did love how she yelled at Tad and Edmund, "Did either of you think to sweep up the damn floor?" You go, girl.

I am glad that Kendall and Ryan have moved past that tiresome yelling. Their romance is now kind of sweet really. I like how Kendall went back to the hotel room just to savor the experience for one last moment. I must admit that I agree with Kendall about the whole picnic experience; the fantasy is so often much better than the reality since fantasy seldom includes bugs, heat, dirt, and too much mayonnaise. My ideal romantic picnic would be outdoors. At night. Under brilliantly lit silver moon and stars. Dim sum (the perfect finger food!) would be served. And we would be close enough to the ocean to hear it, see it, smell it. But far enough away to avoid getting sand in our, well,um, getting sand anywhere.

Kendall has a better shot at a successful romance than her sister. Let's see: Sara got married and then sick, Rain was bought off and sent out of town and Frankie was murdered. It appears as if ABC can handle the publicity of having a front burner gay adolescent coming out story but backs off from the heat it would get for having an adolescent gay romance. Although straight teens on ABC soaps have very active sex lives. Let's hope that once things settle down, Bianca and Maggie can talk about that almost kiss. Rather like the conversations that took place between Anna and Edmund about the confusion of being attracted to a former love's twin.

Anna has moved on to a much more interesting relationship. I like Anna and David together. They seem so well matched. David is such a dangerous scamp. And Anna has always been attracted to dangerous scamps. I am not hung up on believing that Robert Scorpio or Duke Lavery was Anna's one true love. I think in a complicated life such as Anna's there can be more than one true love. Nor do I think that David's remark about Anna being the first woman he has loved negates his feelings for Dixie. As you grow you can think what you are experiencing is love. And then one day, the real thing happens and you say to yourself, " Oh, this is what love feels like, to love someone with your heart, your mind, your soul, your body." I imagine that is what happened to David.

Anna is certainly experiencing something she did not in her first two marriages: troublesome in-laws. True, Robert Scorpio did not exactly get along with his brother Mac. But Mac at least was not an international drug dealer like her current mother-in-law. Or an infamous grifter like her brother-in-law. Maggie seems the most normal but considering this is Pine Valley it is only a matter of time til her secrets are revealed.

I wonder how Chris will react when all of Erica's secret manipulations are revealed. Oh, let me guess. Since she is Erica Kane, she will toss her head and all will be forgiven. And then I will find them even less interesting as a couple than I do now.

I am optimistic that Leo and Greenlee will become interesting once again. I agree with Greens that a great love affair deserves one final chance at success. I suggest that they follow the Devane/Hayward example and elope. Long engagements just do not work out in PV.

I am trying to remain optimistic about Mia and Jake. I like them together but what I really like is Mia's independent moxie. I do not want to see her strength diminish as Jake rescues her from the evil Trey.

Quibble, Quibble

1. I finally figured out why I do not find Trey to be an irresistible hunk. He reminds me of an obnoxious local weatherman. I am working on getting past this but unfortunately he is on the ABC affiliate and his commercials run during AMC.
2. "Until I met you, Kendall, I was a zombie." So was that hot zombie sex you had with Liza and Mia, Ryan?
3. "If I remember correct." Oh Simone, Tempo must have a copy editor whose sole job is working on your adverb usage.
4. Why are Ryan's cards maxed out? If he did not inherit Gillian's wealth, who did?
5. I have liked most of the redecorating that has gone on in PV the past six months except for the redo of Myrtle's boarding house. It now looks like a little old lady lives there. Myrtle may be little. Myrtle may be a "woman of a certain age." And Myrtle is certainly a lady. But if there is one thing Myrtle is not, it is a little old lady.

You still have time to vote for the EYE awards. I would never try to influence anyone's vote (Billy Clyde Tuggle). After all a vote is a very private thing (Donald Steele). It is not as important whom someone votes for (Roger Smythe) as it is that one votes (Olivia Birkelund).

Kate

Sat, 20 Apr 2002 03:13:34 GMT

I am enjoying AMC so much these days I almost do not want to write about it. That old superstition of cursing something by praising it. Not that I do not have problems with some stories - after all, I would not be me if I didn't!

One scene last week reminded me of what AMC does best. It takes the grand scale of soap opera and more often than not, keeps it at a very human level. I am thinking about the scene where David, Leo and Maggie ordered a room service lunch. There were no plot points, no big reveals. Well, Leo did find out Anna was now his sister-in-law but that was just part of the conversational flow. Just cousins eating crab cakes, getting to know each other. The ties between them being reinforced. Other soaps could take a lesson. Not everything needs to be big and over the top.

Liza's brain tumor is big but not over the top. So far it has been handled extremely well. The use of flashbacks has been really good. It was fun seeing Tad and Liza as teenagers. And for newer viewers, it was good to see Liza's (and Mia's) father. I particularly enjoyed the flashbacks running through her head when Adam was telling her about their "great romance." Like many married couples, their views of history are slightly different. Well, considering it's Adam and Liza, is it any wonder their views are vastly different?

What is fuzzy to me is why Marion is drinking heavily again, especially now that Liza's prognosis is good. Although I am glad it gives Marion a story. There has been speculation that Marion's drinking will lead to her being unfaithful to Stuart. I hope it doesn't go that way. I am thinking more along the lines of Hayley getting Stuart to see the truth about Marion's problem. Anything that gives me scenes with Hayley without Mateo is fine with me.

Mia has always yearned for a family and she certainly has one now. Wonder if that old adage about being careful what you wish for is running through her head. Especially since they have cast her as the sole voice of reason. Still, she does seem capable of handling whatever they throw at her. That is what really appeals to me about Mia- she is capable. Once Liza recovers, I bet no one will want to mess with those two sisters.

Is Trey the father of her baby? Or is he just an old friend? He clearly is an opportunist. And handy with a syringe. All I know is, their scenes are the first ones where he has shown any real personality. Mia has that effect on people.

I still think there is something in the Pine Valley Hospital ventilation system that has an effect on testosterone levels. Adam is being even more Adam-like. Trying to have another wife declared mentally incompetent. Jake being glad that Liza does not remember her husband. And Tad threatening a nurse's job. Charming Tad, really charming. Applause to the nurse for pointing out that PVH is not the Martin's personal fiefdom.

Enchantment is Erica's fiefdom. I hope it suffers for her using it to get Kendall out of town. And for treating Greens so poorly. There is something unsavory about her plans for Kendall, even given their past history. And about the way she is manipulating Chris, once again. It would serve her right if Chris, Ryan, Kendall and Bianca formed a nice little Erica-free family unit. And she lost Enchantment. Not that she would learn from that experience. She is, after all, Erica.

Leo clearly learned very little from his years with Vanessa. Simple things like it is not a good idea to flash a wad of ill-gotten cash. Good thing Pine Valley has no IRS agents. Leo is very lucky to have people who love him, Bianca and David. Leo is charming but really should not be allowed to wander around unsupervised.

Vanessa seems to have no problem wandering around PV. I was really glad to see her in disguise as the lounge singer. Not because I wanted to see Proteus' "grande finale" but because it spared us Brooke's surprise song for Edmund. I really enjoyed this couple the first time around but for me the thrill is gone. The romance now seems contrived. As do Jamie's problems. Once again Tad comes between Brooke and Edmund. Been there. Done that. Let's move along.

All My Schmattes

What is going on with the wardrobe department at AMC? When even Greenlee starts looking dumpy there is a problem. Why was Hayley wearing a granny dress from the 1970s to the engagement party? Some styles just need to die a quiet death, and granny dresses are one of them. And if Kendall needed any proof that Erica hates her, it was right there in the press conference dress Erica chose. It looked like Kendall's father thought her dress was too revealing and made her wear one of his Oxford shirts underneath. And don't get me started on her T-shirt with the bustier printed overlay. Yikes. Just because some store promotes something as being in style does not mean something is stylish. Opal and Myrtle remain the best-dressed women in town.

Quibble, Quibble

1. Jackson may be screaming for Anna's badge, but I get the feeling he wants something a little more personal from her. Something that would make both of them scream.
2. JR has problems. Jamie has problems. Why aren't these two brothers having any scenes together?
3. There is something just plain icky about a strip poker game involving family members.
4. Vanessa's mention of The Pepper Pot Players reminded me of Axel Green. I miss him. Maybe we will see him again when Hayley starts taking Marion to meetings,
5. Mateo to Simone, "You have no idea what kind of man I am." I do, Mateo. The kind of man whose absence pleases me no end.

To my way of thinking, a good soap leaves a viewer eager for Monday's episode to arrive. AMC is in that category right now.

So a Libidizone deriative set off Vanessa's psychotic break. What if Gordon the lab tech is involved with this? What fun!

Don't forget to vote for the EYE awards. They are another fun thing.

Kate

Sun, 17 Mar 2002 03:45:55 GMT

The past two weeks have given me even more reasons to want to live in Pine Valley. The residents always Internet access, cable TV and running water. All of which have been in short supply in my life recently. In keeping with the chaos that is my life these days, here are my very random thoughts on AMC:

It was great to see Roger again, and I am going to miss him. It is pretty clear that Proteus arranged for his bail. Greenlee did not do it, and it seems unlikely his in-laws would come up with the cash. Why would Proteus do that? One of three reasons: 1) To make arranging for Roger's "accidental" death easier 2) To give him enough money and incentive to disappear for good or 3) To put pressure on him to confess to Proteus' misdeeds. Whatever happens, it clear Roger is history. And that is a real shame. He is so delightfully, unremorsefully and unremittingly slimy. It was so obvious that it never dawned on him that Greenlee was in danger from Proteus. Didn't stop him from working it to get what he wanted though. Such potential for story there, with Greenlee and with others. I keep imagining him paired with Arlene. Waste of a good actor and a good character.

Speaking of Greenlee's grandparents, where are Millicent and Woody? Their granddaughter has been drugged, kidnapped and dumped. She needs them more than ever. And besides, it is always fun to see them.

It is also always fun seeing Donald Steele. Oh dear, I see a pattern of liking slimy men. Calling Dr. Macmillan (or is it Dr. Torres)? One question though: did Hayley really think Donald would be humiliated by having an Instamatic photograph taken while he was being arrested for parking violations?

Of course that did make the "let's pat ourselves on the back party" at SOS somewhat tolerable. My goodness that was tiresome. Although I did enjoy hearing Edmund, the famous writer say, "the Mayor is ready to present the presentation."

All the self-congratulations on exposing Proteus. When it is fairly clear that Proteus was unraveling all by herself. In fact, if anyone deserves credit for pushing Proteus into being caught, it is Maggie for confronting Vanessa about Frankie's clue. I ask you, just when does Maggie get her presentation presented?

Anna and David's wedding was much more fun than that Protean party. True, it was a wedding born of legal convenience rather that stated romance, but it suited them. And Anna has had formal weddings before (I know. I have attended all of them.) Those husbands died. Maybe this more casual connubial approach will guarantee David a long life.

One thing about their wedding night puzzles me. Anna clearly was bra-less when modeling that flannel "negligee." Yet when they woke up the next morning she was wearing her usual black lace bra. What is it about the women of Pine Valley that makes them put clothes on during a night of love making? (Dixie suffered from the same affliction.)

Liza is suffering from some affliction. And not just because she is drifting between catatonia and paranoia. But because she said her time with Jake was "not romantic." Well, if a country inn, a forest lit with tiny lights and plans to sail the world are not romantic, I sure would like to know what Liza's definition of romantic is.

I would also like to know how Jake broached the subject of Liza with Mia. "Oh you two must be sisters, you are so alike in the sack." That would have a conversation worth seeing on screen.

I like Mia more and more. She does not grovel. She has a sense of pride and self-reliance. A sense of humor. And finally, a flattering hair color. I hope TPTB keep her this way and let her stories be about more than trying to snare a man. I hope she and Marion work together trying to figure out exactly what is going with Liza. I suspect she will soon take Jake up on his job offer at the hospital, allowing her to interact with more PV residents. Which will be a good thing.

Jake at the hospital is not really a good thing for this Cynic. I have gotten used to liking Jake. To actually being glad to see him. The hospital just brings out the worst inhim. That overbearing self-righteous Jakeass side of his personality.

And it is already starting. Vanessa is either an international drug lord or psychotic or both. Yet, Jake and Joe had no qualms about accepting as fact everything she said about creating David's career. (If she was clever enough to do that, couldn't she just as easily create the evidence to prove that she did?) And accepting that David knew about it. For that reason alone, I did not really feel bad about Joe being forced to resign.

Unfortunately, Jake has been chosen to replace him. Wasn't Jake a resident just last year? I certainly hope those mano-a-mano scenes between Jake and David are kept to a minimum.

More Bianca and Kendall scenes would be good though. I figure the more scenes she has with Bianca, the fewer Kendall will have with Ryan. I hope Binky and her sister can admit that they are using each other to torment Erica. Interesting little conundrum there as Bianca admits she has sister yet Erica insists she only has one daughter.

What else? Oh yes, Chris loved Ryan's mother. Was that before or after he was with the "love of his life"? The one Ryan's father murdered. The one he told Erica about. Or was that just another one of those "little" lies Erica and Chris are so fond of telling each other.

I realized the "new" JR does not behave any older than the previous one. He is just taller.

And Simone, dear, I am not going to judge you for having an affair with a married man. However, I will judge your taste in married men. Mateo???

Even for a resident of Pine Valley, Greenlee had a rough week. Finding out that her father worked for Proteus, realizing she has no friends. Living in the same building as Jake and Leo. Oh Greens, yes, it is possible to love two men at the same time. It is just not possible to make either of them feel good about it.

I am feeling better about AMC than I have in months. And not just because Mateo is out of town for the next few days. The pace is picking up. Adam, Liza, Marion and Stuart are back. It feels like February sweeps are happening in March. I can deal with that. Now if I can only find a way to deal with the universe of electronic conveniences and plumbing.

Kate

Wed, 06 Mar 2002 03:43:43 GMT

MACHO:
A. n. a. A man; spec. a notably or ostentatiously masculine, tough, or
vigorous man; one who is aggressively proud of his masculinity
Oxford English Dictionary

A.n. a. An idiotic buffoon of a man whose obsessive need to be right blinds him to the truth and the opinions of others; behavior rooted in deep insecurity about his own masculinity; examples: AMC characters Mateo Santos and Chris Stamp
A Cynic Soaps Up

I remember when I liked Mateo. Back when he was not so clearly his father's son. Remember Hector? Hector, who thought the only opinion that mattered was his own? Hector, who was unable to admit ever that perhaps he was wrong about something? Hector, whose machismo posturing alienated all his children? Hector, the father Mateo swore he would never emulate? Yep, that Hector.

Mateo was once sweet, sexy, charming yet undeniably masculine. A man who was more concerned with doing the right thing than with being right. These days Mateo vacillates between being tiresome and laughable. All his tirades and stamping around PV just make him seem to be a petty, small man. Was David supposed to be scared when Mateo threatened him? My money would be on David any day. Why? Because as morally challenged as David can be, he has a much stronger sense of who he is as a person than Mateo can even imagine having. If Mateo was not basically insecure, why would he be so threatened by Ryan? And unlike David's problems, which give him an interesting, sardonic edge, Mateo's problems are tiresome. In the real world, Hayley would soon have that beaten down look that wives of such men sadly develop.

And then we have Chris. Chris is doing that macho pushing- people- away- because -I- am- paralyzed- thing. Yawn. That ploy would be much more interesting if he had ever developed any real connections with those people in the first place. He and Erica have been feeding each other lies since the day they met. And Ryan? Ryan may someday accept that Chris is his biological father, but can he ever forgive Chris for the brutal joy he took in relaying the details of his father's death?

(One thing I really truly love about soaps is that the following statement can be true: My father killed my father and it wasn't suicide.)

When David finds out the truth about his father's business dealings, will it change how he views his father's suicide? Maybe, maybe not. Without concrete proof, I doubt that David will just accept Vanessa's word for anything. It is however a major maturity leap that he takes Anna's word for things. Most of the time. Well, OK, some of the time. But for David that is progress. (Why doesn't David's occasional macho posturing drive me nuts? Because David has a sense of humor, a trait sorely lacking in Mateo and Chris.)

And then there is Leo, who has always accepted Vanessa's word for everything. I always thought when Leo realized what a bitch his mother was (and this was before we knew she was Proteus), that I would feel more sympathy for him than I do. But his treatment of Greenlee showed a cruel streak that is distinctly unpleasant. True, Vanessa has inflicted damage on him that is not easily repaired, but Leo is an adult. An adult who continues to emotionally abuse the woman he "loves." It is time for Leo to grow up.

Edmund is an example of a PV male who once was macho but got over it. Unfortunately he also seems to have gotten over being smart. His Proteus investigation would hardly win him a door prize let alone another Pulitzer. (I am beginning to suspect his Pulitzer may have been mailorder.) First, he puts an inexperienced freelancer on the story (and Simone's inexperience showed when lack of expense account lunches with her "NY" editor did not tip her off to something being bogus there) and then refused to do any real leg work, himself. "What do your sources tell you about Chris Stamp's condition?" "Nothing, Edmund, I am being frozen out." Meanwhile over at PVH, Joe Martin is telling anyone who asks exactly what is going with Chris. Edmund and Brooke could have had their make-out session waiting in the ER just as easily as in her office.

Fortunately, the Proteus story is winding down. Fortunately, because while I have enjoyed Marj Dusay's Vanessa-mentia a whole hell of a lot, I am looking forward to seeing other stories develop. And some interesting ones could develop from the Proteus story. Not the least of which is further bonding between David and Leo.

And before I quibble, I just want to say it was wonderful seeing Stuart and Marion and Derrick! (More of each, please. This Cynic is never satisfied.)

Quibble, Quibble

1. While I was happy to see her go, even I thought Dixie deserved a better send off than she got. Her fans must have been very disappointed. I can only guess that TPTB were not as understanding about her departure as they stated in the press.
2. I am already dreading Dixie's return. This is the scene I envision: A knock. Tad opens the door. Dixie is standing there, babe in arms. Tad says, "You left town to have Hayward's baby?!?!?" Yawn.
3. Can anyone at AMC do basic math? Last week we had Kendall's miscalculation and this week we had Vanessa saying she had taken over the drug business from Mr. Hayward 20 years ago. David was 12 when his father died and Leo had yet to be born. There is no way David is 32 and really no way Leo is 19. Maybe we could all chip in and send TPTB a calculator?
4. Simone's father is far more interesting than she is. How about hooking him up with Opal? That would be more fun than the Palmer re-pairing I see heading our way.
5. Simone has "issues" with her father. Just what AMC needs, another 20-something with parent issues.
6. I can go along with Vanessa's (fake?) amnesia rendering her a starlet once again if and only if, she speaks these lines, "I am ready for my close up."

Vanessa has already had the best line in recent memory though, "He wasn't my family, he was just my husband."

And if I had a dollar every time Erica has spoken the line, "I will love him with all my heart for as long as I live," I would be typing this in my house in Provence.

Kate

Wed, 27 Feb 2002 04:10:58 GMT

V*A*N*E*S*S*A E*V*I*L
M*A*G*G*I*E D*U*M*B

This is something that always puzzles me: someone, like Maggie, is clever enough to uncover evidence that someone, such as Vanessa, is implicated in a crime. Clever enough to do the detecting but not clever enough to think going to the police is a good idea. Going to the police would be a pleasant twist to a story. Not to mention another pleasant sighting of Detective Derick Frye!

That complaint aside, I enjoyed the scenes between Vanessa and Maggie. I do think though, that once this Proteus gig is done, Vanessa should do a fitness tape-- Vanessa's strength is quite something. She hauled a semi-conscious Greenlee from her car and across the beach. And she lifted an unconscious Maggie from the floor into a wheelchair. Not to mention having the strength to put a dead Larry in the trunk. I am impressed. Very impressed indeed.

Vanessa's mental strength is in question though. She is making mistakes all over the place. Awfully sloppy for an international drug lord. But awfully fun to watch. (Except for that annoying breathing thing.) And now that her sons are on to at least part of her game, it will interesting, and perhaps a bit scary, to see her turn on them. I cannot wait.

Leo could probably have waited a lifetime before seeing Greens and Jake kiss. Although come to think of it, he has seen that more than once. I am not surprised that Greens keeps kissing Jake. He is there for her, he is never mean to her, he is cute, he is never mean to her, he respects her, and he is never mean to her. Leo has been more than mean to the woman he "loves." He has been nasty to her in ways that only someone who knows you can be nasty. Leo's tongue could be registered as a lethal weapon (and I do not mean that in a good way).

"And you think only you can remove that thorn from his paw." Jake is intuitive, too. (And how sexy is that? Sigh.) That was an excellent assessment of what draws Greenlee back to Leo, time after time. Greens is more of a caretaker than she realizes. Leo is wounded, deeply, and she wants to fix it. But she cannot. Jake sees that. What Greenlee does not see, is that Leo's pain/needs will take up so much room in their relationship, there will be no room for her needs or her pain. There is already not enough room for her very justifiable anger. What keeps biting them both in the behind is that she forgave Leo too quickly. Her anger towards Leo, as much as her desire for Jake, is what is motivating every kiss she gives Jake.

Who knows what is motivating Dixie? She is leaving JR in a world of hurt. True, he annoys me even more than his mother does, but he is still a kid. Her kid. Doesn't he at least deserve some variation of the truth? Dixie has probably convinced herself that when she returns to PV, babe in arms, all will be forgiven. But what about JR's life in the meantime? Tad's life will be more interesting with Dixie gone. How could it not be?

Maybe everyone's life would be more interesting if the Proteus story was not pushing every other potential story off the canvas. This was my problem with Richard Cuillton's reign at GH: one story dominated the canvas every single day for months. To his credit though, at least Proteus is more interesting than the "Tin Man" was. But still, where is the complexity we have come to expect from AMC over the years?

Quibble, Quibble

1. Every time Joe fires David, something awful happens to some unsuspecting PV resident so David can be reinstated to save his/her life. Kind of like inviting Murder She Wrote's Jessica Fletcher for the weekend, you just know someone is going to be murdered. Give it up Joe. For the sake of your fellow citizens, give it up.
2. I have an idea for a new drinking game. You drink a shot each time an ABC soap hitman has a clean shot at his target and doesn't take it. And for those of us who don't drink, the game is equally fun if you substitute chocolate for liquor.
3. I keep checking my mailbox for Marion and Stuart's change of address card. Where are they?
4. I feel so bad for Kendall's adoptive parents. All that scrimping and saving for her education, and she still cannot do basic math. Kendall, if you 100,000 apples and you take away 2 apples, you have 99,998 apples left. Not 999,998.
5. Was Simone responsible for the attempted hit on Ryan? Do I care? I think this is all leading to us seeing Simone's dark side. The only side of Simone I want to see is her backside as she heads out of Pine Valley.

What did you think about Greenlee's Gilligan's Island dream? I enjoyed it, but it got me thinking that it is time to recast Ruth. Joe needs and deserves a storyline. What do you think, should Joe continue Ruth-less? And if not, can we at least seem him be ruthless?

Kate

Tue, 19 Feb 2002 02:36:33 GMT

Writers wanted for daytime drama: script writing experience required, intense dislike of mother figures a definite plus.

That could easily be the ad for writers for AMC. What else could account for the plethora of bad mothers in Pine Valley?

And I am not talking about Erica, who frankly does a decent job for a narcissist. Or Brooke, who has now twice betrayed little Maddie's confidences by telling Edmund about them.

No, I am talking about Dixie, Liza and Vanessa. I never bought into Dixiebelle's reputation a great mother. True, she can make a mean chili dog but JR has consistently paid for the messes in her personal life. And now it is clear that she will be leaving town to have her baby. What about all her concern for JR? Has she thought about what his life will be like with Adam? Or with his increasingly cold stepmother Liza? Or the fact that he is still dealing with the fallout from his drug problems? Or his angst over Tad and Dixie's divorce? And here is my main gripe, how the hell did she get pregnant in the first place? Well, OK, I know how, but why? Why, when her doctors repeatedly told her that a pregnancy could kill her didn't she have her tubes tied? It seems to me that would have been fulfilling a responsibility to her firstborn. Oh well, I can only hope that her doctors' prognosis is correct.

Liza, Liza, Liza. Could you please explain to me one more time about how you are "doing all this" for your daughter? Would that include using Colby's custody as bricolage in threatening Adam? I do not know how Adam can breathe in his own house, for fear of making some misstep. Of course, you are the only judge of what those missteps might be. It is wrong for Adam to lie to the police to protect his son JR, but it is acceptable for you to lie to the FBI to protect your "friend" Ryan. Have I got that right, Liza?

Vanessa beats both Dixie and Liza in the bad mother department. And she does it while being better dressed than either of them, too. There is something so delightfully wicked in the way she says, "Never fear, mother is here." Like all classic bad mothers, she insists that she does it all for her children. If she had not goaded David's father into shooting himself, David would not be the successful cardiologist he is today. And if she had left Leo in school, instead of making him a fixture in caf? society, he might not know the proper wine to order with dinner. Horrors! Well, actually there are worse horrors in store for Vanessa's sons, especially Leo. One of his core beliefs was that he and Vanessa were partners all those years in Europe. That they were more than mother and son (although not as much more as Vanessa would have liked), they were partners. And that is a lie. Proteus has no partners. Vanessa used Leo in ways he has yet to discover. Used him, yet was also obsessed with him in very non-maternal way. More and more Vanessa reminds me of the worst mother ever depicted on film, Mrs.Iselin (portrayed by Angela Lansbury) in The Manchurian Candidate. Any minute I expect Vanessa to suggest that Leo deal himself a hand of solitaire.

David is not playing solitaire, but he and Anna are not exactly playing hearts either. Considering that her first two husbands were murdered, it is probably a good thing for David's longevity that they are not rushing into anything. When she was on GH, Anna was a good mother. Well, as good a mother as a spy can be. Now that she is on AMC, it is not surprising that her maternal instincts are nil. When was the last time she spoke with Robin anyway?

Maybe instead of All My Children we should be calling it All My Bad Mommas.

Quibble, Quibble

1. When did David move his cabin closer to town? I thought he chose it for its isolation. Now he is showering and making it to PV Hospital "in minutes."
2. Is the person who keeps the fire burning on the beach the same person who keeps the candles lit in the Wildwind Crypt and the batteries fresh at the boathouse?
3. If Ryan protecting Hayley is supposed to be a secret, wouldn't going to the prison with her be just a bit of a tip-off to Proteus?
4. Wouldn't it be wonderfully ironic if Vanessa's odd breathing patterns were caused by the same heart condition as Dixie's, and David's research wound up saving his much loathed mother's life?
5. What happened to the electrifying security system on David's computer? How did Jake access the research files without the password?
6. I think it was really nice of the prison guards to let Mateo go to abc.com/daytime so he could order Hayley's necklace.
7. Jake, you are worried about David destroying PV Hospital. I am worried about you destroying the English language. It is not "you and me will sail on out of here." It is "you and I will sail on out of here."
8. Why can I never find an ocean front beach when I visit western Pennsylvania?

Do you think Vanessa will wind up in Oak Haven, prison or having her hair done at the Glamorama? As always, I love hearing what you think.

Kate

Tue, 12 Feb 2002 04:27:28 GMT

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child"
Shakespeare
King Lear, I, iv

Erica and Vanessa must be feeling very Lear-ish these days. All their perceived sacrifices go unappreciated by their children. At least there is some validity to Erica's claim. Kendall does not seem to realize that it was not LaKane that gave her up for adoption but a 14-year-old rape victim. As for Bianca, Erica's murder confession may have been wrong-headed but her intention to "save" Bianca was based on love. Perhaps if Bianca had actually been guilty, she would have been more appreciative of Erica's efforts. As it was, it looked like just another attempt to control her daughter's life. My sympathies were lying with Binky until the locket incident. Replacing the locket was a sweet, thoughtful thing to do. Binky's reaction was pretty horrid. But then I remembered that she is only 18. When you are 18, everything your mother does is wrong. As you get older, for some reason your mother's actions become much more reasonable. (It is ironic that Erica's soulmate as daughter is not either of her daughters but instead is Greenlee.)

Unless, of course, one of your mother's actions was encouraging your father to commit suicide. In front of you. When you were twelve years old. David, that silly boy, just cannot get past that. There are such conflicting stories about David's childhood, no wonder he clings to the one thing he knows is true: that his mother goaded his father into shooting himself. Vanessa says he owes everything to her because she put him through prep school, college and medical school. Leo, on the other hand, is telling him that when David inherited all his father's money, giving him a cushy life, he left Vanessa out in the cold to fend for herself. Vanessa's history seems to be re-written daily to make us believe she is not a parvenu but a drug lord. Sigh. Leo is not ungrateful to Vanessa, he just had had the unmitigated gall to grow up enough to fall in love with someone other than his mother. That cad!

Kids are growing up all over Pine Valley. JR has gone through some of the traditional soap rites of passage: he has been SORAS'd, he had a drug problem, he was caught in bed with a good friend's girlfriend and that girlfriend was murdered less than an hour later. And now JR has his own blackmailer. Time to put away childish things JR!

Quibble, Quibble

1. How sick was Dixie really if David thought it was OK to leave her in the Caribbean instead of taking her home on the WSB jet?
2. Why did David, who has no history of heart disease, test the drug on himself? Wouldn't that only prove that the drug would not kill a healthy person?
3. "I see you had your birthmark removed." In addition to all her other talents, Erica must have x-ray vision. How else did she see the back of Kendall's neck through her blouse and choke collar?
4. Not that I miss her, but wasn't Simone arrested with Mateo? Is she on her way to federal prison also?
5. Who is keeping the boathouse flashlight stocked with fresh batteries?
6. Did Bianca really think Kendall would say, "Oh, yes, Binky, you got me. I did set you up at SOS?"
7. Why hasn't Jackson stopped by to see if Kendall left town?
8. If Chris is Ryan's father, why was Ryan's DNA such a close match with Braden?
9. Where are Stuart and Marion? (I am going to quibble about this every week until they return.)
10. If Kendall calls Ryan "six pack" one more time, I swear I will throw one at the TV!

With all the conniving and secrets and murders in Pine Valley romance has taken a back seat. I hope your Valentine's Day is filled with much more love and romance than our friends in PV are getting these days.

Kate

Tue, 05 Feb 2002 05:05:44 GMT

How wonderful to see a much missed, familiar face. No, I am not talking about Frankie/Maggie; I am talking about Donald Steele. Any Erica Kane travesty just does not seem complete without that slimy, yet somehow charming, tabloid journalist. His appearance brightened my Monday considerably.

Frankie/Maggie. Maggie/Frankie. Twin stories are so iffy. If well thought out they can be fun. But if the story is just to bring back a favorite actor, even a new favorite, it usually turns out to be less than compelling. Hoping Maggie's story will turn out to be the former. We could use an interesting story that maybe, just maybe, makes sense.

I was having a hard time making sense out of Vanessa as Proteus until I realized I was going about it the wrong way. I was looking at it from the perspective of Vanessa being smart enough to be Proteus. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Clearly her success stems not from her being so smart but from the people around her being so dumb.

First, of course, is her stud muffin Larry. Not too bright to beat up your boss' favorite son. Although I think that did not bother Vanessa as much as the fact that keeping him employed was making David suspicious.

Then there is Roger. Too inebriated to put one foot in front of the other let alone put the Proteus pieces together.

At least Anna has figured out that Vanessa's act is just that, an act. Only why doesn't she plant one of her little tracking devices on Vanessa? Or bug her room? Or get her cell phone records? Or do something, anything, to indicate she was once a top-notch WSB agent? Or at the very least, a former Police Commissioner. I think Anna could benefit from watching Law & Order.

I was going to beat up on Chris for awhile, but today he arrested Mateo, which moved Chris several rungs up in my book. I do not think Chris believes Mateo is Proteus, though. Perhaps Mateo was arrested for his own protection or to stop him from mucking up the investigation even more than he already has.

Mateo is truly the weak link in this story. If this was to restore Mateo as soap hero, it is just not working for me. His Lone Ranger MO has consistently put his family in danger. He has yet to make one decent decision since this all began. (Except of course for sending Rosa far, far away. A decision I can only applaud.) He deserved to have Vanessa overhear the recent plan-revealing conversation, held in a public alley. An alley where Proteus' flunkies have made drops to SOS. His overblown ego has him thinking he can outsmart Proteus, but his actions are just, well,,i> dumb</i>.

There are some smart people in Pine Valley. I think Mia is one of them. When it became clear that Ryan did not return her feelings, she moved on. She did not beg him to love her. She did not stalk him. She did not even move on to a rebound relationship. She and Jake are friends. Maybe they will be more, maybe not. And as great a sight as Jake is in a towel, it is refreshing to see him getting to really know a woman before bedding her.
I wish Ryan would just bed Kendall and get it over with. This doesn't feel like seduction so much as romance, WWF style.

David and Anna are doing that romantic, seduction dance. Sometimes it works, but it did not seem very Anna-like to withhold that information about Dixie. Anna should be more secure than that. And far less mean-spirited.

What a friendly divorce Tad and Dixie are having. While "friendly divorce" may seem like an oxymoron, it suits this couple very well. It honors their beginning, which was a true friendship. We see why they got married but we can also see why Dixie thinks they can no longer be married.

Which leads me to the question, why are Adam and Liza still married? Why did she tear up the divorce papers if she intended to be a royal bitch about everything he does? It's not that I mind seeing Liza return to her bitch roots, it's just I wish she was doing something more productive than ragging on Adam.

And more than that, backburner does not suit Adam at all.

I would like Erica moved if not to backburner, at least to the warming oven for awhile. Not likely to happen though with Kendall in town. Kendall could prove the point that nature is more important than nurture. She certainly is more like Erica than Binky is. At the Pine Cone we have Kendall wondering why Ryan thinks the fire is her fault; after all, it is not like she passed out drunk after putting a lit cigarette on her newspaper. On the other side of town, we have Erica being surprised that Jackson thinks that Frankie's murder remaining unsolved is somehow her fault. After all, it's not like she falsely confessed to the murder.

Quibble, Quibble

1. Where are Marion and Stuart? I was particularly enjoying Marion's growing relationship with Mia.
2. Speaking of Mia, is that one mention of her giving up her son for adoption all we are going to get on that? Are Liza and Mia ever going to have a scene together again? TPTB seem to have forgotten that Mia came to PV looking to resolve some family issues.
3. I miss Philomena Lacey. Why hasn't she dropped by to see how her friend Binky is doing?
4. Hayley wants Simone to stay on at SOS to protect Mateo because she carries a weapon. Yet wasn't it only few weeks ago that Simone made it clear that she does not carry a gun because "I am a journalist, not a cop."
5. The WSB does not trust Anna enough to re-hire her but it does trust her with a plane in a hurricane on a personal mission? And of course a WSB jet just happened to be at Pine Valley International Airport.
6. I realize Joe and Jake hate David but wasn't dismissing him a little premature? It will be fun to watch them reconcile their hatred with David saving Dixie's life.
7. I am so awe of Leo. Larry brutally attacked him from behind and yet Leo was able to see what kind of jewelry Larry was wearing.

Sweeps are not the only thing happening in February, we have Valentine's Day next week. There is a dearth of romance in PV these days. Which couples would you like to see get together or split apart? I love reading what you have to say.

Kate